Top of the Popes

Looking ahead to the Christmas charts, it looks like role of ‘religious-fundamentalist gunning for the Xmas #1 spot’ – which is usually played by Cliff Richard, I believe – will this year be filled by none other than the Holy Father himself. The Telegraph has reported that condom-hater and former Hitler-youther Pope Benedict XVI is set to release a Christmas album of his chants and litanies, as well as reciting passages and prayers in Latin, Italian, Portuguese, French and German.

As it happens, he’s actually assembling something of a supergroup – he’ll be backed by The Choir of the Philharmonic Academy of Rome and also by the London Philharmonic Orchestra, plus I believe The Chemical Brothers have been approached to do a re-mix. OK, I did make that last bit up, I’ll admit – I figured this story’s so weird nobody would notice! I mean, and this bit is actually in the Telegraph article and therefore is potentially true (as far as I can tell), his CD will be released on Universal’s Geffen label, which was behind Donna Summer’s gold-selling disco record The Wanderer as well as John Lennon’s final album, Double Fantasy.

Colin Barlow, president of Geffen, admitted to being “sceptical” about the Pontiff’s musical appeal before hearing him, but said: “The Pope has got almost a lullaby tone to the way he sings,” before adding (somewhat redundantly) the album would make “a great Christmas present”.

So, I’ve had a few thoughts as to what might be on the Pope’s debut album – here’s my tracklist, feel free to add to it!

  1. Hallelujah (everyone else is covering it, he might as well too)
  2. Popelessly Devoted To You
  3. Like a Virgin (Birth)
  4. Pope-a Don’t Preach
  5. Keep the Faith
  6. Papal-back writer
  7. Being For The Benedict Of Mr Kite
  8. Vati-Can I Kick It?
  9. Like a prayer
  10. God Only Knows
  11. Losing my Religion
  12. Stairway to Heaven


  1. #1 by Colin H on August 9, 2009 - 22:48

    Brilliant list!

    Though if the Pope is to sing anything, it should definitely be ‘Every Sperm is Sacred’ by Monty Python!

    After all… ‘every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great; and if a sperm gets wasted, then God gets quite irate…’

  2. #2 by Andy on August 11, 2009 - 00:09

    I think it’ll be very popeular. It’s the right time of year to release it. I don’t think I’d get the pontiff it was released at any other time of year. But then again, I mitre. If he makes enough money maybe he’ll buy a condominium. No roof, obviously!

    And so on…

  3. #3 by Andy on August 11, 2009 - 00:11

    Anyway, how do I post a comedic cartoon parody of myself against my profile name?

  4. #4 by AlexMagd on August 11, 2009 - 11:06

    Pontiff, You Don’t Know Me By Now?

    I’ll get my coat.

  5. #5 by Marsh on August 11, 2009 - 11:13

    @Andy – Waaaaaay to much time went into that, I suspect

    @AlexMagd Hah! That’s really awful – nice one!

  6. #6 by Colonel Molerat on August 20, 2009 - 18:48

    “Say you will, say you won’t
    Say it’s children you grope
    Say it’s true, say to me (what am I like?)
    C’est le Pope”

    Courtesy of one of the inhabitants of Molerat Manor.

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