Breaking News: Bulgaliens Have Landed

Stop the press: aliens have finally gotten in contact with Earth. Just kidding – don’t really stop the press. Actually, there isn’t even a press to stop, what with this being online and all. Unless you count WordPress. Hell, why not – Stop the WordPress: aliens have finally gotten in contact with Earth. What’s more, they’re no mucking around – they turned down the advances of Carl Sagan’s beloved SETI (the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence) and instead have gone straight to the top guys, the big cheeses: the Bulgarian Space Research Institute.

Lachezar Filipov, deputy director of the Space Research Institute of the Bulgarian Academy of Sciences (to give it it’s full title), confirmed research into the other-worldly communication was currently underway, and that the aliens were in the process of answering 30 questions beamed out into space by scientists. And their chosen method of communication? Did they beam their answers directly into Filipov’s brain? Did they use their advanced technology to create a universal translator and speak Bulgarian to the lucky scientists?

Did they hell. They left a series of 150 crop circles, around the world. Including the dragonfly circle left in Yatesbury, Wiltshire, earlier this year. It’s never easy, is it? Poor Bulgarian scientists. But Filipov holds out hope that he won’t always have to be jetting around the world looking at pretty patterns in the grass (patterns that could be made, say, by someone like… say… anyone who wanted to). Apparently he holds out hope that in the future people will be able to  establish contact with the extraterrestrials through the power of thought. That thought presumably being ‘Oooh, look at that pretty crop circle pattern’.

He told the novinite newspaper:

‘The human race was certainly going to have direct contact with the aliens in the next 10 to 15 years. Extraterrestrials are critical of the people’s amoral behavior referring to the humans’ interference in nature’s processes.’

Here we have a classic meme – when reports are in about aliens coming to visit us, the message always centres around stopping man doing whatever happens to be the biggest threat to the planet at the time. At the moment, climate change is the very real threat we’re facing, and the aliens confirm it. In the sixties, the aliens came down to warn us that the cold war and the nuclear arms race was going to destroy the Earth – it’s a shame at the time they didn’t mention anything about climate change, they could have really given us a head start on a real problem. Pesky near-sighted aliens.

Adding to the story, Mr Filipov said:

‘They are currently all around us, and are watching us all the time. They are not hostile towards us; rather, they want to help us but we have not grown enough in order to establish direct contact with them’ – Source: The Register

Presumably we’ve only grown enough to be contacted via grass patterns. I wonder at what point they’ll move from leaving pretty shapes in farmers’ fields to direct thought-to-thought communication. It’s going to be a real shock when they do, I can tell you! Perhaps they’ll work up to that point slowly, perhaps communicating through smaller greenery areas until they’re leaving tiny shapes in window-boxes. I’d appreciate that. They’re like cosmic topiarists.

Mr Filipov added that even the seat of the Catholic church, the Vatican, had agreed that aliens existed. Which is nice to know – not only does the Pope have a direct line to God, but it seems he can communicate with other otherworldly beings too. Good work, Ratzy.

Filipov also added:

“They are very skeptical of our use of cosmetics, and artificial insemination because this is unnatural,”

I think he means the aliens there, not the Pope. Although either is plausible.

Unfortunately for the plucky Bulgarian, his colleagues at the Academy have proven to be slightly less friendly that the charming, anti-cosmetics, anti-IVF aliens – with other scientists amongst his team calling for his resignation, by drawing a lovely pattern in the shape of a UFO with a cross through it on his front lawn. OK, I made that last bit up – I presume they called for his resignation using normal language, but it seems to me he prefers a more crop-based communications system.


  1. #1 by Stu on December 8, 2009 - 22:44

    My theory is that all the interesting research is being carried out in the more prestigious labs and centres so crop circles is all that’s left for poor little Bulgaria!

    Seriously though it’s no wonder his colleagues are distancing themselves – have you ever heard such twaddle?

    Another theory is that he is about to retire anyway and is getting a bit of publicity for the academy?

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