Question of the Week: Invent A Homeopathic Remedy

I don’t know if anyone noticed, but we don’t really like homeopathy here at the MSS. I know that shocking revelation will probably come as a surprise to a lot of our readers – I mean, it’s not like we make a big deal about it, do we? It’s not like we write lots of posts detailing how utterly implausible and ridiculous homeopathy is, or anything. And it’s not like we go around appealing to major high-street pharmacies to withdraw homeopathic products from their shelves. No, no – we like to be reserved. Under-played. Subtle.

So, with our subtlety and respect of homeopathy in mind, this week’s question of the week is:

What’s the weirdest and most ludicrous homeopathic potion you can think up? What’s ‘in’ it? And what does it treat?

Make us laugh and you’ll get a mention on our next podcast, plus non-homeopathic levels of our love and affection. Bonus points to anyone who actually manages to find their crazy homeopathic substance on the internet – because I’m pretty sure clause b) of Rule 34 that states ‘There is no homeopathic substance to stupid to already exist somewhere on the internet’. And just to let you know where the bar is set, bear in mind you can already get homeopathic Berlin Wall and homeopathic Milky Way

Oh, and by the way, 10:23.

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  1. #1 by K.O. Myers on December 4, 2009 - 20:55

    There are two very serious conditions that are effectively treated by Homeopathy.
    – Thirst
    – Being on fire (in sufficient quantities)

    No imagination necessary.

  2. #2 by K.O. Myers on December 4, 2009 - 20:57

    EDIT: Unless you’re covered in burning oil, in which case Homeopathic treatments will only serve to spread the pain around. But really, I doubt we’re seeing a lot of castle-sieging type injuries these days.

  3. #3 by Bastard Sheep on December 4, 2009 - 21:07

    Homeopathic science based medicine.

  4. #4 by Alex Pryce on December 4, 2009 - 21:21

    Homeopathic treatment for Dehydration.

    Dihydrogen monoxide in a 30C solution.

    Take 1 part Dihydrogen monoxide and dilute in 100 parts water. Beat with a wooden paddle covered in rabbit fur.

    Take one part of this dillution and add to 100 parts water. Beat with a wooden panel again.

    Repeat until a dilution of 30C is attained.

    Treat homepathic sugar pills with succussed solution.

    One pill to be taken up 8 times, as needed, a day with water.

  5. #5 by Philip Norton on December 4, 2009 - 21:45

    Crud. My first thought was to use dihydrogen monoxide, but Alex beat me to it!
    Looks like I’ll have to think of something else.

  6. #6 by AJ on December 4, 2009 - 21:46

    Homeopathic water – introduce a minute sample of water ‘1’ to a solution of water ‘2’ and water ‘2’ takes on the memory of water ‘1’. Or just drink the first lot of fucking water and save yourself a job.

    Administered to the credulous.

  7. #7 by AJ on December 4, 2009 - 21:48

    Bugger. Beaten to the punch by Alex…

  8. #8 by Marsh on December 4, 2009 - 21:48

    OK, it looks like homeopathic water is pretty popular – but done now! Come on people, really stretch… I mean, Berlin Wall for fuck’s sake!

  9. #9 by Kristi on December 4, 2009 - 22:17

    Problems public speaking?
    Take one frog.
    Smack with bible till sufficiently dazed.

  10. #10 by AJ on December 4, 2009 - 22:20

    Homeopathic boner. Dip an erect todger into a solution of water. Wiggle. Water takes on memory of whoever it was the boner was excited about.

    Used as an aphrodisiac.

  11. #11 by Warhelmet on December 4, 2009 - 22:23

    The remedy of Essence of Aliester Crowley to cure law breakers. The like cures like of “do what thou wilt” should put a damper on all crime.

  12. #12 by Justin on December 4, 2009 - 23:32

    Based on the principle of ‘like cures like’, a homeopathic preparation made from homeopathic marketing material. Used to treat delusions and compulsive lying.

  13. #13 by Vermonter on December 5, 2009 - 03:46

    Homeopathic cure for homeopathy:

    1. Homeopathic proof: exposure to homeopaths causes homeopathy to occur.

    2. Therefore, extreme dilutions of homeopaths (to the point at which the homeopaths cannot be found) would be expected to cure homeopathy. This is demonstrably true.

    The water used to dilute the homeopaths may be expected to retain their memory, though may be confused with the memory of fish piss.

  14. #14 by Vermonter on December 5, 2009 - 05:05

    Homeopathy for fish. You can cure them by adding water to their…. water.

    “Homeopathy is effective for all pets including dogs, cats, birds, ferrets, cows and horses. You can even treat fish by dropping homeopathic remedies into their tanks.”

  15. #15 by Trystan on December 5, 2009 - 13:53

    The School of Homeopathy engaged in testing a homeopathic remedy made of ‘antimatter’, they have also used ‘North Wales slate’, AIDS blood and rubber from a condom.

  16. #16 by Damian on December 5, 2009 - 16:00

    I think homeopathic recreational drugs would be a good way forward. They would solve most of society’s ills. Probably. Plus they would be much easier to smuggle, too…

  17. #17 by Pat in Montreal on December 5, 2009 - 17:31

    Hmmm homeopathic viagra?

    Dip flaccid male member in water, then dilute to 120C (come on, it’s got to be STRONG stuff!)

    Use with caution, contact a few prostitutes if erection lasts longer than 4 hours.

  18. #18 by Andy Wilson on December 5, 2009 - 17:56

    Homeopathic celebrity

    take an infinitessimally small dose of celebrity and dilute in one entire jungle. Then succuss every day with food related traumas for three weeks.

    They then experience a placebo type of real celebrity for a short amount of time

  19. #19 by Michael on December 5, 2009 - 18:37

    Homeopathic treatment for ‘Lock-Jaw’: Place rusty nail in bowl of water and excite bowl. Remove drop of water from bowl, dilute up to 30C, administer to patient in this ‘neat’ liquid form.

    Homeopathic cure for infertility: Wank into bowl of water (remembering to remove rusty nail first -in case of cross contamination). Once a drop of male reproductive fat is securely shot into bowl, then vibrate, take drop of water out of bowl and dilute up to 29C. Get turkey baster, and partially fill with distilled water then ‘suck-up, some of the homeopathic man-milk. Now the tricky bit; administer treatment to patient in any available orifice that shows itself before patient gets wind of what you’re up to. (caution can only be administered to male OR female humans only)

    Homeopathic treatment for HIV/AIDS: get current sufferer of disease to do something with a test tube. Put test tube into (clean) bowl of water, take drop of treated water and dilute to 10C (as this needs to be a much weaker solution than normal-don’t want to scare patient too quickly into rude health or the shock of health might eventually kill them).

    Large scale homeopathic cure for Mike Hall’s infection: put frog in a lake (such as a quarry or a real lake like Windemere or Loch Ness). Again a very weak solution to start with, throw Mike in lake and inform him that he has to apprehend the frog and kiss it. After a couple of weeks of aqua-Mike’s flailing about in an ice cold Scottish Loch, his infection should be cured or he would have drowned (killing the infection with him). Caution! Side-effects with this weak solution may give rise to some mild shaking, paleness of some areas of the skin, a loss of feeling in the extremities (such as arms, legs and ‘meat and veg area’), loss of some involuntary functions (e.g. lungs, heart, kidneys and gall bladder) and possibility of hypothermia and

    Homeopathic cure for homeopathy: Whilst you still have your big lake (Loch Ness) attach a very very large numbers of homeopaths to the middle of the lake suitably anchored to the floor of the lake. There needs to be at least 400 metres of water above their heads, otherwise the solution will be too homeopathicly weak. Take drops of water from all around the lake, enough to swim in, and drop this in another lake and hold the patients under the lake for 20 minutes, and repeat every hour until the last flinch has died down.

  20. #20 by Michael on December 5, 2009 - 18:40

    Have you heard of the theory of ‘Dry Water’?

  21. #21 by Kevin B on December 6, 2009 - 00:18

    Fed up with thinking rationally? Unable to enjoy ‘Most Haunted’? Difficulties detecting your aura?
    Help at last! Cure that persistent skepticism with the latest in homeopathic treatments – Woo! (TM)

    This powerful remedy is derived from samples taken from a trio of natural sources (3 being the magic number of course). These include spittle sprayed from flabbergasted listeners to tales of psychic fettling, the pure unadulterated piss surreptitiously collected from the urinals of The Crown and Dr Duncan’s on alternate Thursdays (preferably during a full moon) and saliva residue from beer glasses lovinging caressed while reading Dawkins.
    This combination of potent ingredients is then suitably diluted to a degree that only String Theorists are equipped to mathematically model.
    Furthermore, to ensure the memory of the ingredients remain intact in solution and quantum coherence to the body’s inherent biofield is guaranteed, the resulting treatment undertakes that most rigorous of tests – a session on a Nintendo DS Lite running Dr Kawashima’s Brain Training.

    Needless to say, gullibility, ignorance, and an all round love of things bullshittery will soon be yours to enjoy soon after administration.

    Say goodbye to science, reason and critical thinking for good!

    Available from all dubious Holistic websites and of course, Boots.

  22. #22 by Kevin B on December 6, 2009 - 00:37

    EDIT: should say “..yours to enjoy shortly after administration”. Using ‘soon’ twice in a sentence – shouldn’t have experimented with the remedy as it seems to affect grammar as well. Either that or the popular combination of water, hops, malt and barley imbibed while typing.

  23. #23 by Damian on December 6, 2009 - 21:57

    Homeopathic psychics would be good. Imagine a world where mediums could build an entire reading around as little actual information as possible … oh …

  24. #24 by Ndru on December 7, 2009 - 01:07

    How about a homeopathic treatment for overhydration?

    Dilute water in more water and… wait, no! 😉

  25. #25 by Michael on December 7, 2009 - 13:30

    Homeopathic treatment for obesity: Get that bowl of water out again! Insert kilo of supermarket LARD into bowl of water. Wait a minute, remove lard (this can be used later for cooking your fried breakfast, or used to bake cakes and mince pies, luvley) using a micro syringe, withdraw 1 ml of the potent lard water remedy. Dilute this to 20C. Using 1 litre of this remedy (I know that is overdose territory), mix it with your bath water, submerge patient completely under the surface of the water, bear in mind Archimedes principal and make sure there are enough towels draped around the area of the bath. Ensure patient stays submerged for at least an hour ( a straw can be used to assist in air confabulation), repeat 12 times a day for six months.
    DO NOT EAT BETWEEN THERAPIES. The patient will definitely overcome their obesity and may grow gills.

  26. #26 by Joe In oz on December 8, 2009 - 05:36

    Homeopathic Treatment for the squits. You Will need to get a hot curry dilute in water or maybe larger. Now not sure of the amounts so thinking 6 to 7 pints and a curry of your choice with rice, then to save on save on the washing up, drink and eat it all, you don’t need to get you mates to beat you with a bible to get the vibrations in the solution just pop down the local night club and hay presto your good to go. no more squits.

  27. #27 by Michael on December 15, 2009 - 07:51

    Homeopathic treatment for RABIES anyone? I am amazed no-one else thought of it!

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