I Believe in… Miracles

Well folks, I think everyone is pretty much recovered from the events following the big swallow and with all of us swallowers retaining the use of body, mind and ‘energies’, then it must be time to turn some attention further out, deeper into the big, bad, wild and woolly world of woo.  Woohoo!

The “I Believe in…” series that is currently playing out on BBC Three at the audience-friendly time of ‘midnight-ish’ is, by far, the most incredulous, poorly thought-out, nonsense-laden idiot-fest seen on British TV since, well…  *cough* erm…  Jeremy Kyle is on every day…  and The Wright Stuff…  and then there’s almost all of Channel 5’s output…  Satellite channels…  (has anyone ever watched anything of Conspiracy TV?  *giggles*)

OK, so there’s stiff competition out there in the time-rich and thought-poor facets of British media, and anything that comes with short sentences, a couple of nice locations and a pretty face or two is likely to get up there on the box at some point, no matter how inane the subject material, or how utterly bonkers the take on said substrate may be.  This is where Danny Dyer, Jodie Kidd and “I Believe in…” come in.

Danny Dyer’s effort, “I Believe in UFO’s”, deserves its own lengthy analysis, but I’ll just relay one little element that really made me chuckle…  Loveable, credulous, silly old Danny has just been out in a crop field with a ‘Crop Circle Expert’, who is in fact just some random dude with a VW campervan and an IQ problem, calmly explaining how crop circles must be produced by aliens, because the ‘knees’ of the stalks on the crops can only be bent over in this way by high temperatures of some sort, and thus ‘steam’ in the joint and…  WHOOM…  down go the grasses into this week’s pattern picked out of ‘Flying Saucer Crop Patterns Lightyearly’ (WHSmith will get it in if you ask nicely, have two green heads and 6 limbs (but don’t tell Danny!)) by our Alien UberSturmFuhrer on duty to watch over us puny Earthlings and molest cattle on that particular night.  Our hero, swollen with ‘knowledge’, goes into the local pub to meet some thoroughly delightful chaps at the pool table – very casual.  These delightful chaps then go on to tell him that it’s all a load of bollocks.  It’s them!  They go into the crop circles at night, mob-handed, and proceed to inflict criminal damage on a lot of innocent arable crops and the brains of gullible, half-witted townies…  without actually admitting it of course – the local constabulary might be watching.  Cue Danny’s almost weepy lament pouring out of his drizzle-stricken grid.  For everything else there may well be credit cards, but these moments which warm the heart…  Priceless.

Now that Danny’s eventually alien-broken heart has been served up for starters, we can move on to the main event:  The intellectual heavyweight champion of her navel, the cokestess with the mostess, the leanest, skeletelest, the South-East belt-holder for “least able to ponder” at atom-weight for the last 12 years running and now, dear and gentle readers, the southern-spoken swinger for all things supernatural…  Ms Jodie Kidd.

Jodie – it is ok if I call you Jodie, isn’t it Jodie? Thanks, Jodie.  You’re a star. (D-List, natch.  You do crap like this) – believes in miracle healing.  She believes that the material universe isn’t the only thing that exists and that we can be in touch with a secret part of the cosmos that scientists, doctors and the NHS clearly don’t want us to know about…  She knows this, because she was definitely, definitely, definitely healed by crystals.

So you got that, right?  ‘Healers’ tell us that ‘bad stuff’ (I’m not sure, but I think that’s the technical term.  It might be worth checking with your local ‘Nonsense Dealer’, err, sorry, ‘Healer’.  Right…) comes pouring out of our mobile phones and computers.  Crystals can help us by tuning into the electromagnetic charge frequencies of our bodies and rebalancing them.

What?  You don’t believe me/Jodie?

She’s got a NASA Scientist to explain it all.  Honest!

This Bear Walker dude, and he says everything is based on frequencies.


HE MUST be right, AMIRITE?

Funny, though…  Bear doesn’t mention anything about his NASA credentials on his website, but other places talk lots about all the lovely energy, breathwork, healing, hypnotherapy and Ancient Native American Wisdom that Bear can teach us all.  I’m sure his uber-science NASA credentials are out there somewhere.  In space?  Maybe he lost them out there.  While he was with NASA, training them about how we can use crystals to rebalance our electric charge frequencies. That’ll be it I’m sure.

So, Jodie’s there giving us the skinny on her terrible trouble with anxiety and panic attacks, which are very serious conditions that I most certainly won’t have anything said against.  No, I won’t immediately go on to mention her relationship with cocaine, either.  That would be like drawing a parallel, making a direct relationship between one and the other…  and I wouldn’t want to do that.  Cocaine doesn’t, in any way, make you feel anxious and lead to panic attacks.

I’m sure Jodie’s right though…  It’s a deep psychological problem based on her relationship to the universe and the ‘bad stuff’ from her ‘Dealer’ that comes via her mobile phone or computer.

I’m not sure I jotted that down right…  Hang on…

Yeah.  Bang on.  Except for those who don’t follow the link, then YES.  LENGTHY COCAINE MISUSE CAN LEAD TO PARANOIA, ANXIETY AND PANIC ATTACKS.

Jodie then goes around her house showing us how many crystals of different types she has all around her home, and telling us all about how utterly terrible her life would be without both them, and her trips to the mystic lights and crystal-milking machine on Harley St. that she probably sneezes out – better than coughs up in the circumstances – 500 quid’s worth a go for.  If you haven’t watched the crystals bit yet, then…  GO WATCH IT.

Ok, this is 1000 words, and we’re already beyond coffee-and-a-biscuit length for the average reader, so I’ll stretch this out to another post later in the week.  It’s worth it.  There are Shamans, Faith Healers, Mystic Biologists, Magic Love-Horses, Autism, More Energies, The Big C and even a cameo from Chris French!  But this is enough nonsense for you to digest in one go…

And remember!  Stay clear of the ‘bad stuff’ that you can get via your mobile phone and computer.  Listen to your ‘D/Healer’ at all times.

Be crystalline, and stay frosty out there.

(At least in the morning…  Brrrr….)

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  1. #1 by Tom Williamson on February 5, 2010 - 13:48

    Did anyone see the Joe Swash program on Harry Hill?

    Joe, scared in a dark room: “This has got to be the worst thing I’ve ever done”
    HH: “Yes it is”

    Haven’t heard of the Jody Kidd one though. Was there any sort of disclaimer? Something along the lines of “By the way, if you are ill, see a doctor, not a jeweller”.

  2. #2 by Ian C on February 5, 2010 - 14:27

    I saw one of those teevee shows. I caught the ‘I believe in ghosts’ one with Joe ‘whats-his-fuck’. Honestly, it was fantastic viewing only for pure hilarity. Like when the crazy hippie dude who’s house he stayed in told him “This room is haunted by the ghost of an incubus. The male sex demon”….. Yes, a ghost of a demon, the intangible incorporeal form of an already intangible incorporeal entity.

    “It wakes me in my sleep and tries to fuck me in my bum! I chase it way by grabbing onto my bible and praying to god” (paraphrasing here, but only by an extremely tiny margin) I thought it magical how these kinds of people look like the kind of person you see passed out in the very dark corner of a working men’s pub every Friday night, immaculate and smiling blankly at the walls through their straggly hair, as though they’ve occupied that spot for years but every spider in the place has been too weirded-out to ever dare venture close enough to construct a web over him.

    Prior to this he goes to see a medium, who decides that it’s not enough that she can simply talk to the dead, she needs to use tarot cards to somehow help spin a delightful yarn for the poor gullible sod. Mixing 2 forms of necromancy together in a symphony of idiocy. I did always love how they pray to God before and after completely violating Christian dogma by toying with ‘Magic’.

    The best I’ve saved for last though! He sits a number of vigils in different, supposedly haunted locations, including a 17 year old girls bedroom (notoriously teenage girls always seem to be involved with reports of domestic hauntings, funny how they’re also the main demographic for trashy horror-romance novels at the same time really, isn’t it?) the tunnels underneath Edinburgh and what is supposedly the most haunted room in the whole of England.

    Nothing happens. Not a single thing. Not at any of the locations.

    Half joking, a cameraman turns and asks the cheeky cockney likely lad if this has dented his belief in ghosts at all, he responds quite seriously ‘Actually no, even though absolutely nothing has happened, I feel that I believe in ghosts even more.’


  3. #3 by Dana on February 5, 2010 - 17:41

    Idk what you’re on about my level 54 Shaman can dispel almost ANYTHING. AND warlocks have health and soul stones!

    But seriously, I want pretty crystals all over my house. Think when she’s admitted that I can have some of hers?

  4. #4 by Helen on February 5, 2010 - 19:08

    Hrm. I believe you’ve just pointed out why I don’t watch much TV.

    On the other hand, have you read about the American psychic who was Twittering her communications with Michael Jackson and urt Cobain? Her name was Jayne Wallace and she has coined the word ‘tweance’.

    I will never cease being amazed at the shite people believe is true.

  5. #5 by Trystan on February 5, 2010 - 20:27

    Don’t laugh Ian…I know the sex demon bloke! He lives near me!

  6. #6 by Gill Day on February 5, 2010 - 21:22

    I’m gutted Ive missed these shows, they sound fantastic.
    I do like a good rant at the TV at chimps like these.
    Tweance is the best made up word ever, I remember Marsh using it.. it amused me no end!
    Kurt apologises to his family apparently… or was that River?!

  7. #7 by Allan on February 7, 2010 - 00:04

    hahaha… Yes! I think the tweance crank was mentioned on SGttU? No?

    It certainly brings a whole new level of absurdity to the practice… Instead of picturing the participants all suitably attired, with the medium dressed like a stereotypical gypsy/spiritual-type, I am now contractually obliged to filter their probable appearance through a standard bloggistas or twitteratti costume.

    That would be: Unwashed, in pyjamas/naked, comforted by their own, effortless, ripe odour mingled with the recently faecally imbued gasses and scratching at their genitals.

    Is there anybody there?

  8. #8 by Chris on February 7, 2010 - 22:30

    Just watched the Jodie Kid episode – found the complete lack of critical thought disturbing, I think the only piece of evidence presented in the entire show was that the Shamen was right about her having food poisoning – pretty safe bet with a western visitor to nepal though. Think I’ll have to watch this regualrly be good for a laugh.

  9. #9 by Gittins on February 8, 2010 - 10:53

    I think cocaine is actually made of tiny crystals, but it’s still not as addictive as World of Warcraft.

  10. #10 by Chris Pugh on February 8, 2010 - 12:19

    I don’t understand how a programme can be allowed on The BBC (alright i no its BBC3), I’ve always thought the BBC to be particulary rational? maybe I was wrong?

  11. #11 by Allan on February 15, 2010 - 22:36

    Chris :
    Just watched the Jodie Kid episode – found the complete lack of critical thought disturbing, I think the only piece of evidence presented in the entire show was that the Shamen was right about her having food poisoning – pretty safe bet with a western visitor to nepal though. Think I’ll have to watch this regualrly be good for a laugh.



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