Mature Couple Seek Strangers To ‘Wand’ (Timewasters Need Not Apply)

The Amega Wand - not a sex toy

The Amega Wand - not a sex toy

As we all know, there are few things more scientifically-robust than a good ‘It cured me!’ anecdote. They’re well known to be ineffable when it comes to such amazing healing modalities as homeopathy, chiropractic, reiki, transcendental meditation, ear candles, colonic irrigation and all that other good stuff. They’re like the gold standard, when it comes to woo. Which is why my eyes lit up when one of our Skeptics in the Pub attendees alerted me to this story in his local paper:

Great Sankey couple invite people to try wand in bid to cure aches and pains

Now, I know what you’re thinking, and no – they don’t mean THAT kind of wand. Get your mind out of the gutters, we have skepticism to do.

A FORMER snooker champion believes his rheumatism from years of bending down over tables has been cured after his son introduced him to a wand which has been growing in popularity across America.

Robert Quinn, originally of Stockton Heath but now retired and living in North Wales, suffered rheumatism pain for 30 years and shingles for three years but since using the Amega product says that he has not felt any sort of ache.

Robert, aged 77, said: “I will try anything so when my son said about giving it a go to see if it would help I thought ‘why not?’ “We had a successful snooker and billiards team but I’ve been in a lot of pain since then.

“My wife is much more sceptical than me but it cured the pain in her arm which has been troubling her for years.”

There we go – not one anecdote, but two. This wand must be super good. I for one always like to take at face value testimony of a 77 year old man who admits he’ll try anything. Wait, we might be heading back to THAT kind of wand again. Move on!

The Great Sankey couple decided to buy one and after ‘wanding’ a number of people have been so impressed with the results they want to create an open house for other people to try it – for free.

OK, now we have this aged couple offering to have strangers come around their house for a good wanding, at no extra cost. I fail to see how this could get any more euphemistic.

Ann said: “We were a bit sceptical ourselves at first, as most people are, but seeing is believing. We have had so much pleasure seeing people relieved of their pain that we want to give more people the chance to try it.”

I stand corrected. However, I’d like to point out that the ‘seeing is believing’ line is only true when it comes to an aging couple getting pleasure from wanding strangers. It’s certainly not true for, say, health claims. Especially health claims that involve a magic wand called ‘The Amega Wand’ (no, don’t confuse it for this, this or that).

The Amega wand is a titanium pen made of fused crystals and minerals and works by using ‘AMized Fusion Technology’ and zero point energy.

Bullshit! Sorry, rude of me to interrupt, carry on…

Ann added: “We’re not saying that it’s some sort of miracle magic wand, it’s the body that heals itself. Over time cells get clogged up with all the stuff we’ve eaten, inhaled and drunk so the wand helps the cells clear out the gunk that’s been blocking them up and reminds the body of its own powers.

Right, finished? Sure? OK – Bullshit! Top of my head stuff here – crystal healing is bunkum, AMized Fusion Technology is largely likely meaningless, zero point energy is largely unrelated, cells don’t get clogged up with what we’ve eaten and drunk, and the wand does dick all to unblock said imaginary gunk, nor does it remind the body of anything (unless you mean THAT wand, which I’m sure will have some effect on your body, or your money back).

Still, good skepticism isn’t conducted off the top of the head, so let’s take a look at what Amega say about their wand, and some of the other claims they’ve made.

Stress is the major cause of all sicknesses and diseases. In today’s lifestyle and the environment we live in, stress is inevitable. However, one can prevent from getting sick and live a healty life if they were to take a Wellness care approach.

Amega Global’s products, backed by over 25 years of R&D supports Wellness Care which is a must in Today’s world. Amega’s products are an offshoot of Ancient natural therapeutic wisdom and applying Futuristic Technology in the Area of Quantum Physics to support Individuals with Natural Energies to eliminate stress and increase their immunity.

I suddenly feel like I just got a full house in Bollocks Bingo. Can you spot the deliberate mistakes there? Stress isn’t the main cause of all sickness and disease, in fact there is no one main cause (despite what Innersound Qi, chiropractic or a million other quacks will have you believe). Wellness Care is a meaningless, tautological term. Ancient natural therapeutic wisdom? Blimey. Futuristic Technology? That one I like – I presume it’s all sleek and rounded edges, futuristic stuff always is. Come to think of it, sounds like this… Quantum Physics? Really? Also, a little tip – never take advice on being healthy from a company that can’t spell the word ‘healthy’. Trust me, that one’s a banker.

This, ladies in gentlemen, is a Grade A Jargon Storm. Which brings us very neatly to their AMazing-sounding AMized Fusion Technology:

None of this is true

None of this is true

Amized® Fusion Technology is a resonance technology developed over a period of 15 years of research, applying the principles of Quantum Physics and Quantum Mechanics.

As in the Homeostatis condition (relatively stable condition), our body’s Bio-energy field can automatically access the Zero-Point Life Force Energy from the environment and restore the deficiency bringing all aspects of our life into harmony (mental, emotional, physical and spiritual).

Your body’s own natural intelligence knows best where to channel how much life force energy. When administered for a period of time, it aids cell rejuvination, enhancing our inner vitality. It aids immunity by cleansing, charging and rejuvenating our body cells. This way, it aids in age reversal, promotes healthy cells and expels diseases.

Joyous, rapturous, mind-bogglingous levels of pseudoscientific bullshit – great work, Amega. It’s hard to even know where to begin, there. Let’s just leave it at ‘none of the above is true, and around 50% of the words used are a) meaningless or b) meaninglessly thrown together with other words. Oh, and age reversal? Really?’

None of this is true

Again, none of this is true

What else do Amega do? They help you make money, that’s what. As their website merrily exclaims, listed as ‘Opportunities’:

  • Buy a product: As a preferred customer when you purchase a product* as an Amega Customer Distributor, you are entitled for a Business Account (BA) and referral income.
  • Share the benefits: Refer Amega products to your friends, families and associates, and recommend them to purchase just like you.
  • Help others purchase: Facilitate them by being the sponsor to purchase a product from the company and we will reward you with a referral commission for your efforts.
  • Earn residual income: When you and the person sponsored continue to facilitate others to purchase, you would create a residual income potential from the referral commission.

Can you say ‘Pyramid Scheme’? I can. And I’m fairly sure former snooker champion Robert Quinn can too. Remember that open house offer, where he and his wife would wand you for free? And the penny drops.

As for any of you thinking, skeptics that you are, that any positive effect felt by our erstwhile snooker player and his wand-loving wife must be due to the placebo effect, well stick this in your wand and apply it – it works on dogs, too:

There – so it CAN’T be placebo effect. Obviously. I mean, the dog was lying down, and it got up and walked away. Even though we’d been told in that blue screen of text that the dog had some kind of problem or other, which presumably would have meant walking away would be TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE or something. Proof, people – Proof.

Personally, I think if you’re looking to buy a wand that will make you feel better about your health and make you forget about your aches and pains for a while, the Amega wand is the wrong one to buy. That’s all I’m saying.

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  1. #1 by Stu on April 8, 2010 - 12:00

    Fantastic post!

    I notice on the website there’s no price for this amazing gadget. Probably very expensive with it being MLM.

  2. #2 by Michael on April 9, 2010 - 18:25

    Have you seen the comments on the news items web page? They nail it be3tter than we could (even Marsh would be proud as one comment refers to PR as news).
    The best comment is the one from ‘john_warrington of Warrington (twig technology)

  3. #3 by Michael on April 9, 2010 - 18:44

    Great the way the dog goes to the cupboard where its food is obviously kept and looks at its master woefully thinking “I’ve just pretended to be ill and well for you so keep to your side of the deal and feed me.” Or whatever dogs think after playing a trick for its owner. Or an I being too sceptical? Don’t get me started on the ‘Quantum Mechanics’ healing energies. It’s an empty fucking metal biro pen. Obviously a job lot has been bought for pennies and there are no refills any more so they sell ’em as something else. “Oh a quantum healing device”

  4. #5 by Mark Hill on April 23, 2010 - 21:53

    Please could you send me details about the Amega wand and the business opportunity? Thank you.



  5. #6 by Dan on August 10, 2010 - 23:00

    Sounds far fetched for sure – and yet you saying “it’s not true” is about as useful as them saying “it’s true”. Where are your facts – take it down the pub and test it yourself – at least they’ve done blood tests or whatever to try and inform the skeptics? 🙂

  6. #7 by Julie on September 5, 2010 - 12:17

    A lady used this on my grandmother and she has been painfree ever since…..dont know how it works, dont care. Although the lady has ‘used’ comments that supposedly came from my grandmother in her sales pitch, which has actually been said by my gm. The sales pitch…do not rely on, just try it.

  7. #8 by Julie on September 5, 2010 - 12:18

    sorry that should read…… ‘not been said by my gm!!!

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