When most people hear about the healing powers of music, I’m sure they think of the soft soulful beats of Lionel Richie or Michael Bolton, gently ushering them through a messy break-up – I know I do. But for some, music has healing powers of a more literal, less-early 90s housewife and altogether more bullshit nature. I’m talking, in fact, about Sound Feelings, a Californian company founded by Howard Richman, who proudly proclaim:

“We are music, health and education audio and book publishers. We specialize in music medicine, music instruction, weight loss , alternative therapies and film scoring“

An eclectic mix there, I’m sure you’ll agree. I’m sure you’ll also allow me to skip over the film scoring and piano lessons, and get right down to the good stuff – taking a look at the alternative therapies on offer, this film-scoring-music-guru will merrily peddle you products for ‘Internal Cleansing‘, weight loss products and books, as well as – amazingly – a weight loss photo. Which is literally just a photoshopped photo of the current-sized-You, adjusted in order to make you look slimmer. And black and white. Apparently, this is a great motivational technique. Yeah.

On top of all that, the good maestro advises on a dangerous-sounding 10-Point Colon Cleanse – because, I don’t know about you, but I always take digestive advice from someone with a B.A. degree in piano performance (from UCLA, no less).Surprisingly, Howard’s not a doctor, or any kind of science-acquainted person. In fact, one of the few things I particularly like about the site is that his bio describes him as being an ‘unlikely “expert” in the field of weight loss.’

You can say that again.

Still, his weight loss ideas are nothing compared to his other field of expertise – music medicine. Music. Medicine. It’s these claims that I particularly took interest in, and I’m quoting the website here:

Music Therapy for Transformation

Sound Feelings music therapy for transformation offers drug-free audio products for specific illnesses and conditions. Our recordings provide a music therapy alternative to traditional expressive arts therapy. Self-help entrainment music resolves stress and blocks which encourages a relaxing recovery. The following medical music titles are piano instrumentals geared for mind/body self-reflection, cellular release and self-improvement. See also: homeopathic music, designer music, therapeutic music, energy medicine.

Yikes.

As you can imagine, I had a lot of questions regarding the information on the site, and the health credentials of a man who describes himself as having use of music to heal. I mean, who wouldn’t have questions about that? Fortunately, I found the following:

Sound Feelings frequently asked questions (FAQS) about our alternative medicine and music instruction products. Hopefully you will find answers to your questions about our self-help stress management and music training tools

Excellent, an FAQ! And what’s the only question in the FAQ?

Why is your company spamming me?

Yikes! Things are not always as they seem. It may appear as if Sound Feelings is spamming you or that we are sending you viruses! But we are not. We have NEVER done anything like that and we are very angry that other people are implicating us and we are very, very sorry for any inconvenience that you may have experienced due to this fiasco.

So it’s a site which offers miraculous, magic music, who’s main and most-asked question is regarding their spamming practices. No, no, that’s entirely normal, that’s how all health advice tends to work…

At this juncture, you’re doubtlessly curious as to how these miracle-melodies sound, right? How about a sample?

• Feeling stressed? Not a problem! Simply listen to this clip and feel your stress melt away!
• Feeling fat? Not a problem! Simply listen to this clip and feel that fat melt away!
• Suffering from AIDS or Cancer? Not a problem! Simply listen to these clips and feel your AIDS and/or Cancer melt away!

Unbelievable. Fortunately, the website does offer instruction on how to best use the tapes to fight cancer:

“The listener should be process-oriented rather than goal-oriented to appreciate this music for cancer”

I guess this makes total sense, after all if you go around being goal-oriented you might expect your cancer to be cured by the music…

For the pedants amongst you, the full list of illnesses and ailments the Music Man Who Comes From Down The Way can cure (What Can He Cu-re?) reads:

The following information gives you guidelines on creating your own healing music sequence, even if you do not play an instrument! However, for your convenience, you may wish to use music that has already been created for this purpose.

If so, you may purchase our music for specific illnesses and conditions, including: stress, chronic pain, insomnia, addictions, smoking, cardiovascular illnesses, post-traumatic-stress syndrome, TMJ, panic disorder/anxiety, overweight, anorexia, bulimia, depression, low self-esteem, stress, creative or emotional blocks, anger, fear, sadness, hyperactivity, attention deficit disorder, inner child processing (adults), stress and insomnia for the pregnant woman, anxiety and pain during birth, colic and anxiety in the newborn infant, breastfeeding, emotional armor, conflicts, infertility, cancer, anger, AIDS, infection, fear, lack of self-respect, immune system suppression, scleroderma, dementia anxiety, death and dying, frustration, individual transformational music, self-reflection, heightened awareness, relaxation, and inspiration.

Excellent. Some deeper digging around the site produced an extended FAQ, with the following

Has the music been tested anywhere?

We have letters from people from all over the world praising the benefits of the tapes for various situations. However, because we have not yet acquired clinical documentation, no cures or claims are implied. Since 1984, we have actually invited over 150 agencies and universities to become involved in testing our music. Unfortunately, funding always seems to be the issue.

In short – no, it’s not been tested.

Even if we were to come up with the huge funding required ourselves, would this self-funded research satisfy the hardened skeptic? Probably not. Our suggestion is to try the music and to take advantage of our 90-day, no-risk guarantee.

No-risk? Take this music CD to cure your AIDS/Cancer, and if it doesn’t work you get your money back?!

Another Frequently Asked Question reads:

Why do certain parts of the music seem irritating to me?

Well, I can answer that one – because it’s dangerous pseudoscientific bullshit. And it doesn’t even sound nice to listen to.

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