The Many Faces Of Jesus Christ

Definitely JC

Definitely JC

Here’s a classic staple skeptical game for you – ‘Where’s Jesus this week?‘ People with relatively good memories for this type of inane nonsense – and I assume at least 80% of you readers could well be in that category – may be aware of the fact that the Messiah has been popping up in some pretty unusual places of late. We all remember the classic cheese toastie, but who remembers where he was in 2006? Besides, you know, in the innocent laughter of every child, obviously.

That’s right – a terrier’s arse. The terrier, Angus, played host the the pareidolia-tastic depiction of the deity on his rump 4 years ago, but, it seems, being at the arse-end of a mutt wasn’t all it cracked up to be for our Lord and Saviour, and he’s recently been doing a tour of the kind of locations the Pope can expect to appear at if the UK government decide to withdraw the £100million his visit is purported to cost us. That’s £100million, or 10 years of state-funded homeopathy, if you like to think of it that way. (In other news, the government just cut a scheme which would help pay for the refurbishment of rundown schools in deprived areas. Just sayin’).

So, having put his days as a terrier’s anus well and truly, well, behind him, I’m sure you won’t be surprised to hear he’s moving up in the world – having been spotted adorning the drainpipe of Coventry couple Alex and Nick Cotton. No, not THE Nick Cotton, aka Nasty Nick Cotton from Eastenders. Although Jesus did like to hang around the worst of us, and from what I remember Nasty Nick was among the worst actors I’ve ever seen. But no, this Nick Cotton lives in Coventry, which might go some way towards explaining why he was in need of a visit from the Son of God. I hear Coventry’s pretty boring, the last thing of note to happen there being a bombing raid from the Lufftewaffe.

As the Coventry Telegtaph reports:

Alex Cotton and her partner, were with a few friends at their home in Heartland Avenue after getting back from watching a football match when they spotted the Messiah’s image.

Alex’s friend Graham Morriss said: “We were just sitting around, having a good old chinwag at about 10pm and suddenly Alex’s partner Nick said ‘there’s Jesus on the drainpipe’.

“No one believed her and we all started crouching down around the drainpipe and having a look. I got quite excited anyway.

“We’re all quite amazed about it really, although Alex says he’s been there for quite some time. We were just chewing the fat a bit, as you do, and then the Messiah turned up.”

As, indeed, you do.

The Coventry Telegraph also goes on to report other sightings of Jesus, including the aforementioned terrier, the time when Jesus appeared in a bacon-filled frying pan in what has to be one of the lamest acts of fakery ever, and – as the paper reports – that nicely specific time when Jesus was spotted ‘on a banana, near Sydney’. They give you the fruit and the vague sense of geographic location, what more do you want?

Bacon Jesus

Bacon Jesus

The frying pan one has to be my favourite – apparently toby Elles, a 22-year old wanker… sorry, banker… fell asleep while cooking a late night bacon sandwich, and when he awoke the house was filled with smoke. Showing the kind of foolhardy bravery from a banker that got this country into the mess it’s in in the first place, Toby rushed in the kitchen to… turn off the hob. High drama indeed. What was left in the pan shocked and amazed him, he claims, as it so stunningly resembled Jesus.

Nobody seems to have thought to comment on the insensitivity of using bacon to depict history’s most famous Jew, of course, so I’ll scoot on. Toby said of his pan of God:

I’m not going to scrub it clean though, just in case I get struck by lightning, it’s going to take pride of place on a wall instead,’ he said. It’s become quite a talking point for people who come round to the house .

Presumably the topic of conversation being, “Why have you so blatantly drawn a picture of Jesus on that old frying pan, Toby?”

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  1. #1 by nullifidian on July 12, 2010 - 11:20

    That’s not Jesus on the frying pan—it’s La Gioconda with a Van Dyke!

  2. #2 by David Mbus on July 12, 2010 - 22:17

    I always like to give the nomenclature:
    Cheesus –
    JesASS –

    you get the idea.


  3. #3 by Sheree on July 13, 2010 - 17:16

    “We were just sitting around, having a good old chinwag at about 10pm and suddenly Alex’s partner Nick said ‘there’s Jesus on the drainpipe’.” — made me lol. The chinwag couldn’t have been too interesting if she resorted to inspecting the drainpipe. I also love that Alex knew Jesus was hanging out on his guttering but decided not to tell anyone: not a big thing after all, having the Messiah adorning your pipes…

  4. #4 by Mike Boyce on July 14, 2010 - 15:37

    JC must be getting pissed off with his publcity agent…

    (Heaven. An infinitesimal proportion of infinity ago.)
    “Listen, JC I’ve got you a nice spot.”
    “It’s not another dog’s arse is it?”
    “No more frying pans, either. Or toast, or funny shaped crisps. What am I paying you for anyway? And can’t we get a real artist to do it this time? After all, we’ve got some of the best up here. But don’t let Picasso do it. I don’t want my nose coming out of my ear.”
    “Hey, Leonardo didn’t do too bad on that frying pan. After all, he wasn’t used to working with burnt bacon.”
    “I suppose.”
    “So, what about a nice drainpipe? I don’t think we’ve done the drainpipe before.”
    “Are you trying to say my career’s down the drain?”
    “Very funny, very funny JC. You crucify me. Oops, sorry! Anyway, it’ll get your face in the papers.”
    “Yeah. Like the Daily Mail?. Another dog’s arse!” (Laughs to himself)
    “Now, now. That pan story even made the Telegraph”
    (Wearily) “OK. Let’s give it a try.”

    (As before. A wink of God’s eye later.)
    “Hello JC. What’s the matter!”
    “You bastard! As if appearing on a drain pipe wasn’t bad enough. You never told be it was in Coventry!”
    “Now, JC. Don’t do anything hasty. JC! JC! Help!”

  5. #5 by Dave Perry on July 27, 2010 - 21:55

    Kate Campbell, the American folk singer, sung a song called “Jesus and Tomatoes”, in which a homegrown tomato with a holy image becomes a tourist attraction and money spinner…
    …until a “lawyer from the Lord” arrives…

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