The “I Believe in…” series that is currently playing out on BBC Three at the audience-friendly time of ‘midnight-ish’ is, by far, the most incredulous, poorly thought-out, nonsense-laden idiot-fest seen on British TV since, well…  *cough* erm…  Jeremy Kyle is on every day…  and The Wright Stuff…  and then there’s almost all of Channel 5’s output…  Satellite channels…  (has anyone ever watched anything of Conspiracy TV?  *giggles*)

OK, so there’s stiff competition out there in the time-rich and thought-poor facets of British media, and anything that comes with short sentences, a couple of nice locations and a pretty face or two is likely to get up there on the box at some point, no matter how inane the subject material, or how utterly bonkers the take on said substrate may be.  This is where Danny Dyer, Jodie Kidd and “I Believe in…” come in.

Danny Dyer’s effort, “I Believe in UFO’s”, deserves its own lengthy analysis, but I’ll just relay one little element that really made me chuckle…  Loveable, credulous, silly old Danny has just been out in a crop field with a ‘Crop Circle Expert’, who is in fact just some random dude with a VW campervan and an IQ problem, calmly explaining how crop circles must be produced by aliens, because the ‘knees’ of the stalks on the crops can only be bent over in this way by high temperatures of some sort, and thus ‘steam’ in the joint and…  WHOOM…  down go the grasses into this week’s pattern picked out of ‘Flying Saucer Crop Patterns Lightyearly’ (WHSmith will get it in if you ask nicely, have two green heads and 6 limbs (but don’t tell Danny!)) by our Alien UberSturmFuhrer on duty to watch over us puny Earthlings and molest cattle on that particular night.  Our hero, swollen with ‘knowledge’, goes into the local pub to meet some thoroughly delightful chaps at the pool table – very casual.  These delightful chaps then go on to tell him that it’s all a load of bollocks.  It’s them!  They go into the crop circles at night, mob-handed, and proceed to inflict criminal damage on a lot of innocent arable crops and the brains of gullible, half-witted townies…  without actually admitting it of course – the local constabulary might be watching.  Cue Danny’s almost weepy lament pouring out of his drizzle-stricken grid.  For everything else there may well be credit cards, but these moments which warm the heart…  Priceless.

Now that Danny’s eventually alien-broken heart has been served up for starters, we can move on to the main event:  The intellectual heavyweight champion of her navel, the cokestess with the mostess, the leanest, skeletelest, the South-East belt-holder for “least able to ponder” at atom-weight for the last 12 years running and now, dear and gentle readers, the southern-spoken swinger for all things supernatural…  Ms Jodie Kidd.

Jodie – it is ok if I call you Jodie, isn’t it Jodie? Thanks, Jodie.  You’re a star. (D-List, natch.  You do crap like this) – believes in miracle healing.  She believes that the material universe isn’t the only thing that exists and that we can be in touch with a secret part of the cosmos that scientists, doctors and the NHS clearly don’t want us to know about…  She knows this, because she was definitely, definitely, definitely healed by crystals.

So you got that, right?  ‘Healers’ tell us that ‘bad stuff’ (I’m not sure, but I think that’s the technical term.  It might be worth checking with your local ‘Nonsense Dealer’, err, sorry, ‘Healer’.  Right…) comes pouring out of our mobile phones and computers.  Crystals can help us by tuning into the electromagnetic charge frequencies of our bodies and rebalancing them.

What?  You don’t believe me/Jodie?

She’s got a NASA Scientist to explain it all.  Honest!

This Bear Walker dude, and he says everything is based on frequencies.

NASA.

HE MUST be right, AMIRITE?

Funny, though…  Bear doesn’t mention anything about his NASA credentials on his website, but other places talk lots about all the lovely energy, breathwork, healing, hypnotherapy and Ancient Native American Wisdom that Bear can teach us all.  I’m sure his uber-science NASA credentials are out there somewhere.  In space?  Maybe he lost them out there.  While he was with NASA, training them about how we can use crystals to rebalance our electric charge frequencies. That’ll be it I’m sure.

So, Jodie’s there giving us the skinny on her terrible trouble with anxiety and panic attacks, which are very serious conditions that I most certainly won’t have anything said against.  No, I won’t immediately go on to mention her relationship with cocaine, either.  That would be like drawing a parallel, making a direct relationship between one and the other…  and I wouldn’t want to do that.  Cocaine doesn’t, in any way, make you feel anxious and lead to panic attacks.

I’m sure Jodie’s right though…  It’s a deep psychological problem based on her relationship to the universe and the ‘bad stuff’ from her ‘Dealer’ that comes via her mobile phone or computer.

I’m not sure I jotted that down right…  Hang on…

…

Yeah.  Bang on.  Except for those who don’t follow the link, then YES.  LENGTHY COCAINE MISUSE CAN LEAD TO PARANOIA, ANXIETY AND PANIC ATTACKS.

Jodie then goes around her house showing us how many crystals of different types she has all around her home, and telling us all about how utterly terrible her life would be without both them, and her trips to the mystic lights and crystal-milking machine on Harley St. that she probably sneezes out – better than coughs up in the circumstances – 500 quid’s worth a go for.  If you haven’t watched the crystals bit yet, then…  GO WATCH IT.

Ok, this is 1000 words, and we’re already beyond coffee-and-a-biscuit length for the average reader, so I’ll stretch this out to another post later in the week.  It’s worth it.  There are Shamans, Faith Healers, Mystic Biologists, Magic Love-Horses, Autism, More Energies, The Big C and even a cameo from Chris French!  But this is enough nonsense for you to digest in one go…

And remember!  Stay clear of the ‘bad stuff’ that you can get via your mobile phone and computer.  Listen to your ‘D/Healer’ at all times.

Be crystalline, and stay frosty out there.

(At least in the morning…  Brrrr….)

Lachezar Filipov, deputy director of the Space Research Institute of the Bulgarian Academy of Sciences (to give it it’s full title), confirmed research into the other-worldly communication was currently underway, and that the aliens were in the process of answering 30 questions beamed out into space by scientists. And their chosen method of communication? Did they beam their answers directly into Filipov’s brain? Did they use their advanced technology to create a universal translator and speak Bulgarian to the lucky scientists?

Did they hell. They left a series of 150 crop circles, around the world. Including the dragonfly circle left in Yatesbury, Wiltshire, earlier this year. It’s never easy, is it? Poor Bulgarian scientists. But Filipov holds out hope that he won’t always have to be jetting around the world looking at pretty patterns in the grass (patterns that could be made, say, by someone like… say… anyone who wanted to). Apparently he holds out hope that in the future people will be able to  establish contact with the extraterrestrials through the power of thought. That thought presumably being ‘Oooh, look at that pretty crop circle pattern’.

He told the novinite newspaper:

‘The human race was certainly going to have direct contact with the aliens in the next 10 to 15 years. Extraterrestrials are critical of the people’s amoral behavior referring to the humans’ interference in nature’s processes.’

Here we have a classic meme – when reports are in about aliens coming to visit us, the message always centres around stopping man doing whatever happens to be the biggest threat to the planet at the time. At the moment, climate change is the very real threat we’re facing, and the aliens confirm it. In the sixties, the aliens came down to warn us that the cold war and the nuclear arms race was going to destroy the Earth – it’s a shame at the time they didn’t mention anything about climate change, they could have really given us a head start on a real problem. Pesky near-sighted aliens.

Adding to the story, Mr Filipov said:

‘They are currently all around us, and are watching us all the time. They are not hostile towards us; rather, they want to help us but we have not grown enough in order to establish direct contact with them’ – Source: The Register

Presumably we’ve only grown enough to be contacted via grass patterns. I wonder at what point they’ll move from leaving pretty shapes in farmers’ fields to direct thought-to-thought communication. It’s going to be a real shock when they do, I can tell you! Perhaps they’ll work up to that point slowly, perhaps communicating through smaller greenery areas until they’re leaving tiny shapes in window-boxes. I’d appreciate that. They’re like cosmic topiarists.

Mr Filipov added that even the seat of the Catholic church, the Vatican, had agreed that aliens existed. Which is nice to know – not only does the Pope have a direct line to God, but it seems he can communicate with other otherworldly beings too. Good work, Ratzy.

Filipov also added:

“They are very skeptical of our use of cosmetics, and artificial insemination because this is unnatural,”

I think he means the aliens there, not the Pope. Although either is plausible.

Unfortunately for the plucky Bulgarian, his colleagues at the Academy have proven to be slightly less friendly that the charming, anti-cosmetics, anti-IVF aliens – with other scientists amongst his team calling for his resignation, by drawing a lovely pattern in the shape of a UFO with a cross through it on his front lawn. OK, I made that last bit up – I presume they called for his resignation using normal language, but it seems to me he prefers a more crop-based communications system.