Still, for a change, I’m going to write about an abject psychic failure that doesn’t involve Joe ‘the Power’ Power. You see, sometimes, in order to give the impression that they’re able to see the future, psychics will make predictions about things. And sometimes, they’ll make those predictions somewhere that ends up in the news cycle, and documented on the internet. And sometimes, just sometimes, they utterly fail to realise how much scope this gives for their duff predictions to come back and bite them on the behind. Case in point:

U.K Psychic: Ghana Will Win The World Cup

It’s not the prediction England fans in the county wanted – but Fabio Capello’s men will not be bringing home the World Cup this summer.

In fact – if Ipswich medium Sue Knock’s information from the psychic world proves true – an African side will lift the trophy for the first time.

She is predicting Ghana – the team of Essien, Muntari and Appiah – could take home the coveted cup.

For any non-football fans out there, Ghana will not be winning the World Cup, at least not in 2010, having lost to Uruguay in the Quarter Finals.

Now, any psychic with half a brain would stop there. You’ve made your prediction, now seal it up and hope it comes true. But not so our Sue Knock, who follows the wild prediction up with a few safe bets:

“England and Germany will both make very good starts but then fade, while Italy and France will do well. Ghana – the name which comes to me most strongly – will win it,”

Ordinarily, these would be great bankers. Bear in mind, Italy and France were the finalists at the last World Cup, and England tend to do alright before the Quarter Finals. How was Sue to know that neither France nor Italy would progress from their (relatively easy) groups, the latter of the two coming bottom in a group that included footballing superpower New Zealand? And how was she to know that England would start the group stages with two shocking, tedious draws, before limping past Slovenia to be culled by the rampant Germans?

Well, she’s meant to be psychic, THAT’s how she could know.

Not to dwell on the misfortune of others (after all, doing so would be to muscle in on Psychic Sue’s patch), but here are a few of Sue’s other winning predictions:

• A Royal birth – a canny guess – William’s past his mid 20s, Harry’s settling down – this has the potential to come true… and of course if it’s not one of the princes, then Sue could claim it was a lesser Royal. However, as far as I can see, 7 months into the year, there are no pregnant Royals. (Update: I think we’ve found the lesser Royal Sue can claim she was predicting! To illustrate how good a chance guess this was, bear in mind a quick Google search reveals that between 1993 and 2007, Royal babies arrived in 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1999,  2002, 2003, 2004 and 2007 – so it’s hardly so rare an occurrence).
• A major volcano eruption – this one seems to be the stand out prediction – with the unpronounceable Icelandic volcano doing its thing earlier in the year, this has to be proof of Sue’s psychic skill. However, as Wikipedia notes: “Seismic activity started at the end of 2009 and gradually increased in intensity until on 20 March 2010″. Hardly a stretch, then, to foresee a volcano erupting once it had already been observed to be increasing in activity.
• Earthquakes in northern England which will be felt in Suffolk – little to be said here, really. Suffice to say, we’ve not been hit, and I presume Suffolk remain untroubled by the shockwaves.
• A terrorist alert at the Port of Felixstowe connected with a chemical – again nothing so far, but who knows – maybe Al Qaeda’s next target is indeed the Suffolk port. We’ll see.
• A huge row over the axing of a popular TV star over their age – this still has the potential to be true, but is hardly a revelation – in fact on Righteous Indignation, during our predictions game, we made exactly the same prediction.
• Conservatives will win the General Election – I’m sure this looked like a safe bet too, with the horror show predicted for Labour in the polls… except with the popularity of the Lib Dems, and Labour’s unexpected late rally, the hung parliament meant the Tories didn’t win the election. Did her psychic skills not foresee the possibility of a hung parliament? Or do the dead not play by the rules of First Past The Post?
• A nice hot summer – if all else fails, at least you can rely on the weather

In short, I don’t think Sue’s psychic, and I’m sure she’s regretting not putting her psychic dime on Spain like everyone else has.

Correct. I don’t know what it is about the transition from December 31st to January 1st that makes us all look, wide-eyed and wonder-filled, for insights into the upcoming 12 months – after all, when you’re predicting events in the next year, you’d be as well to start on any particular date you fancied. Especially when you’re just making stuff up. Perhaps it’s a little harsh to suggest readers of stars, tarot cards, auras, weird-spirit-guidey-ghosts and tea leaves are just making up their seery-wisdom… so let’s take a look at some of the offerings, and see what 2010 has in store…

As the astrology section of Sify.com tells us:

Taurus:

“In the horoscope of Taurus, Saturn is not fully favorable but Jupiter is favorable which will help in matters relating to employment, financial gains and success in works initiated by the native. The transit of Jupiter in Pisces in May 2010 will make the planet more favorable. It will help in educational matters and property-related issues” - Source: Sify.com

So, the great Saturn is displeased, but Jupiter is loving Taureans, and as such they’ll be getting help in employment, money, success, education and property. Good year for notorious pop-based paedophile Gary Glitter, then (born May 8th). I wonder how the success in employment will benefit him, specifically. I bet Pol Pot (born May 19th) is kicking himself that he died 22 years before he had a chance for Jupiter to give him a hand on the property ladder – it would have really helped with his occupations, I suspect.

Still, kicking astrology is a bit like kicking a lame bull/goat/lion/virgin/set of scales – it’s not big, it’s not clever, and it’s not great blogging material. Instead, how about we take a look at the predictions of a system a bit more up to date and specific than a pseudoscience that’s thousands of years old… those of psychics and clairvoyants then. Yeah. Still, why just look at one, when the website boomers-write.com happily gives us the wild claims of THIRTEEN peddlers of woo.

Included in the unlucky bakers’ dozen (you’d have thought they, of all people, would believe 13 unlucky!) are such great, wise luminaries as Roxanne Hulderman, Joshua the Psychic (so psychic, it’s right there in his name! Mr and Mrs ‘The Psychic’ must be so proud of there little boy…), Hans Christian King (who proudly claims to work with four spirit guides – although it’s unclear whether any of those guides are an ugly duckling or a Little Mermaid) and Sylvia ‘The Kid’s Dead’ Browne. Lets see what they have to say…

On the topic of ‘Economy‘:

“Hulderman foresees global financial corporations and banks around the world beginning to merge. There will be a banking crisis with many failing, bankruptcies, long lines and even riots in the streets”

I think she’s made the mistake of predicting 2009, there…

“She also says the value of gold will soar to new heights and a new gold-backed currency will be developed. Silver will also rise in value”

A gold-backed currency? I’m not how this works, unless she’s proposing we start gilding one side of the £1 coin…

“Oil will fluctuate and then “go through the roof.” She adds that food prices will rise due to inflation”

Aaaaand we’re back to predicting 2009 again. This psychic lark is hard work – it seems to be really tough to see which year your predictions are coming from!

“Joshua says most people will be better off financially in 2010 based on the fact that the numbers total 3, which signifies abundance. The economy should improve by at least 30 per cent”

The numbers total 3? As in 2+0+1+0? That’s the great insight from Joshua the psychic, there. They don’t call him Joshua the psychic for nothing, you know! Well, no, they call him that because he tells them it’s his name.

“Hans Christian King predicts the economy will improve and the price of oil will no longer be based on the U.S. dollar. India and China will be that driving force and will become the “power brokers” in the world. The U.S. on the other hand, will become a debtor nation. Oil will subsequently clime above $100/barrel but will not affect the world until 2012. He adds that Americans will learn to live with less, return to old spending habits and find new ways to enjoy personal and family fulfillment”

OK, now we have a genuine prediction, I accept that. Admittedly it’s an economist’s prediction, derived not from any psychic insight but from a basic understanding of finance. Pop into an accountants and I think you’ll hear the same prediction (and that’s not even counting those psychic accountants…)

Carmen Harra, who claims to be a metaphysical intuitive, says:

“The current financial system will collapse and will have to be replaced, like Europe’s new currency but she doesn’t know what will replace it”

That’s fair – she’s a metaphysical intuitive, not a financial one. Although she does later advise people to save money where they can. I guess that intuition’s good for something. then she agreed that ‘an awakening due to the number 3 energy of 2010 would result in people realizing the opportunity for positive change’, so perhaps she’s just as crap-filled as the rest of them.

Derek Calibre’s economic prediction is particularly interesting:

“Calibre predicts a moderate recovery, especially in Asia. He added that Canada will have a “stellar” wine year”

Interesting, in that it’s not a prediction and it’s not about the economy, that is.

The ‘Envrionment‘ category is similarly poor quality – Hulderman predicts an earthquake in San Francisco or San Bernadino, where they have eathquakes all the time. She also predicts there will be a tsunami, but doesn’t say where. Laura Scott advises that the US will promote recycling, which they’ve been doing for years. Donna Henes predicts we will realize our “dangerous disconnect from nature” and sincere attempts will be made to rectify this – which doesn’t actually mean anything.

In ‘Politics‘, Hans Christian Anderson King predicts Hilary Clinton will win the Nobel Peace Prize ‘due to international tensions’, which is lovely and vague. Harra predicts Pres. Obama will see that things he’d hoped to accomplish in 2009 did not materialize, so he will have to become more flexible in his decision-making – which is interesting, as it speaks to what Obama ‘hoped’ to achieve, giving a huge out for the psychic when nothing happens. ‘Oh, well, there’s a difference between what he said and what he hoped’. Calibre predicts the death of a former president – naming no names. The there’s the genuinely beautiful in it’s lack of detail:

“Michelle Obama will be criticized for the way she handles an issue or a new role she seeks… As well, Hillary Clinton will both celebrate and cry this year”

It’s hard to argue with that. But I’ll give it a go – it’s bereft of any details, any depth and any meaning. It’s a non-prediction. It’s on par with my new prediction: ‘In the new year, Derek Calibre will say something meaningless in, and will both feel warm and also feel cold during the year’.

Coming up tomorrow – more insightful looks into the future from our dirty dozen-and-a-bit, plus Sylvia Browne’s expert health advice…