The research was published in the international peer-reviewed journal Acupuncture in Medicine, and was carried out by eight dentists, including the research leader Dr Palle Rosted. It involved twenty people, each of whom spent five minutes recieving treatment in the chair prior to their check-up, with needles placed at two specific acupuncture points on their head reputed to aid relaxation(for those who care, the points were GV20 and EX6). The patients were asked to rate how anxious they felt before and after the acupuncture using a scale known as the Beck Anxiety Inventory (how much of an experimental Beck album you can listen to before you start to prefer going to the dentist’s). Scores on the BIA typically fell from 26.5 to 11.5 after the acupuncture.

All patients were in their forties, and had had the phobia for between two and thirty years. Many had tried other methods, including hypnosis and relaxation techniques, but none had apparently worked for them. I have to wonder whether these were done right before the check-up like the acupuncture was? It seems to me that this could make all the difference in drawing a qualified conclusion.

The small sample size is also a problem, although Dr Rosted does acknowledge this:

“Although it’s a small number of patients that we’ve looked at, all of the patients benefited. These were patients who would have previously run screaming out of the door or would have to have been held down by a dental assistant to have their teeth checked.”

Bloody hell, I’d be scared of the dentist’s if they forcibly held me down!

The big problem for me here apart from the small sample size is the reliability of the patients’ self-assessment. Simply asking them how they felt doesn’t seem to me to be solid enough as evidence. However, all twenty patients were apparently able to go through with the check-up following the acupuncture and I don’t think it would be unskeptical to accept the researchers’ claims that bigger studies are now warranted. If something is potentially going on here other than placebo, we need to attempt to know for sure, even if it’s just to rule it out.

What I would like to know is over how many years this study was carried out, and how many visits it covered. To emphasise how badly the patients suffered from their phobia, the report points out that on dentist visits prior to the study, three of the patients had to be knocked out with general anaesthetic, six needed strong sedatives, and on fourteen occasions treatment had to be cancelled because the patient could not go through with it. What we don’t hear is how many times it wasn’t cancelled. Maybe some of these patients had successfully visited the dentist more often than they’d had to leave. Maybe all fourteen cancellations were the same person. Also, was the treatment on each of these occasions different? Were they all just check-ups or did they involve fillings or other more intrusive procedures: there’s a big difference between a metal stick in your mouth and a drill. Other small but important facts we need to know are whether the cancellations were early visits or later ones. The patients may have chickened out the first few times, but made many subsequent successful visits since. We are not being given enough information to make a realistic judgement.

The news report claims that Dr Rosted denies the results were due to the placebo effect, and that the acupuncture was ‘doing something’. It also claims that Rosted says that anecdotal evidence suggests acupuncture could help even when patients need more complex treatments like extractions or fillings, not just check-ups. Although it may not be suitable for those who also have a fear of needles!! 

Silliness aside, the news report doesn’t present Rosted as the most scientifically minded person. However, on researching various reports on the same story I quickly realised that not once anywhere is there a direct quote from Dr Rosted putting forth these more debatable claims, and I suspect that this is probably a case of journalistic misrepresentation and that Dr Rosted has actually done nothing more than conduct a reasonable study in a reasonable manner. The woo in this article seems to be wafting from the journalist’s direction. It’s worth pointing out that it is Rosted himself who says that more study is needed, too.

Ah, journalism, where did you go?

Researchers are now planning a randomised controlled trial with more patients to test the therapy against sham acupuncture. I for one welcome any attempt to further our knowledge. It is the only way you can excise bunk from medicine and science. Personally, I’m not convinced there’s anything to acupuncture beyond placebo, and I think there’s some wishful thinking going on here, but these kind of trials need to be done. Researchers’ jobs would be a lot easier though if it wasn’t for needlessly subjective and suggestive ‘journalism’ such as this. But that’s a rant for another day.

Often, the contents of a MBWBS event tend to vary from the silly, to the deceptive, to the outright ridiculous and offensive – that’s relatively standard fare, really. Sometimes, however, an exhibitor is thrown up that’s simply and utterly dangerous – and it was the charming practitioners from Innersound that filled the role at the last festival I visited. (Listeners to our Skeptics With A K podcast will already know all about Innersound and their needle-free ‘Qi’ therapy).

Before you all dash off to Google Innersound and check out their woo-filled website (don’t worry, I’ll be doing that for you in a bit anyway), let me first explain to you how I came across them initially. Wandering around said MBWBS event, checking out the various stalls, I got chatting to an elderly Korean woman with a massage table. She explained to me that, due to fear in the West over the use of needles, she was giving people the chance to try needle-free acupuncture. Or ‘acu’, you might call it. Obviously, I was intrigued, I was mystified, and above all I was skeptical. “How do you do acupuncture without needles?”, I thought.

“How do you do acupuncture without needles?” I asked her.

“Oh, it’s simple – we use sound vibrations applied along acupressure points, which resonate with the frequencies of our own bodies, so that they interact with the healing centre of our inner core and unlock the healing energy within”, she replied (or words to that effect – her knowledge of English was relatively poor. Although, relative to her knowledge of medicine, she was Stephen Fry-fluent).

Following that *slight* hint of bullshit, I inevitably asked her a few questions, the usual go-to skeptical questions when faced with nonsense pseudo-medicine: Can you cure cancer? (Answer: “We can, but we usually don’t, but if you came to us with cancer we would”). What’s your greatest success to date? (Answer: “We’re a charity, and we’ve sent people around Africa to help with HIV AIDS”).

At this point, you might be wondering what Innersound actually is – I know I was. The wishy-washy descriptions of needle-free Qi and sound vibrations sounded… well, far from sound. So I stuck around, visited a few stalls, and waited until the next poor sucker got taken in by her, so I could witness it for myself. It was around 15 minutes later when I heard the practitioner at work…

Pssht. Pssst. Pssssssht.

“Excellent”, I thought, “They’re using some kind of mechanical device to make the noise. Perhaps it’s like a little motor, pressing against the skin, making that noise as it spins.”

Oh no. No, no no. I was wrong.

I walked over to the table, to see the masseuse feeling a woman’s back for acupressure points, before pushing his thumb into the acupressure point hard… and saying ‘Psssht’. With his mouth. And his lips. Psssht.

Now, just to be clear, this isn’t a valid therapy. In case I needed to point it out – it’s bullshit. Where’s the harm? Insomnia. Cancer. AIDS. Pssht! Pssht! Pssht!

Unsurprisingly, the company’s website stays clear backing up the claims made in person to help cure cancer. Instead, we’re offered standard, vague case studies, such as:

My name is Patricia and I am 50 years of age.

I was diagnosed and underwent lumpectomy and axilor limph removal. I had 6 months of chemotherapy treatment.During this period I started to receive Qi Treatments which I found really helpful. I felt more energetic and more at peace. I was really surprised at how easy the rest of chemotherapy went and I did not have any side effects. Even my back pains went away completely.

I am now going through radiotherapy treatments and I am receiving Ki Treatments again once a week. It is helping me a lot. I have no side effects and I am feeling happy and full of energy.

Patricia  50 – London

The best we’re given is the idea that the treatments offer ‘peace’ and ‘energy’ – all very nebulous and unquantifiable. Not so for the HIV claim, where we’re offered quantifiable proof that the Pssshting is beneficial:

Has been HIV+ for 12 years.  Normal CD4 count for the last 12 years has been 320 3 weeks ago after a blood test it was 590.

This result is after 8 Qi Treatments and 7 training classes. It is incredible!

Physically I feel more energised, happier and content with life. I would like to carry on further treatments and training class to improve my health and avoid infections to my body in the future.

- Anonymous

Needle-free acupuncture and magic-breathing increases CD4 levels dramatically, it seems! If only there were something more than a badly-written 3 paragraph testimonial attributed to an anonymous source to back that up, before this ‘charity’ started taking their show on the road. Like, for example, science? Plausibility? Proof?

Looking through the other areas where Innersound can help, we see a rag-tag mix of the nonsensical, dangerous and downright baffling. I can understand how the mind-over-matter elements of a mystical placebo-activator could help with Back Pain, Asthma and Tired(ness), but it’s dangerous to believe this mystical-thinking can help prevent allergic reactions, and it’s shockingly exploitative to promote it for help with Grief (really fucking disturbing stuff), Hepatitis (see first anecdote) and severe Heart Conditions in an 8-month old baby. Digest that – an 8-month old baby with severe heart conditions. Pssht. Sickening.

As for the supporting evidence for preventing Strokes, we’re told:

I visited the Mind Body and Spirit exhibition where I met Innersound.  On that day I knew that I had raised blood pressure because I was feeling very dazed.  I was very sure that I was having a stroke.

Since joining Innersound I have not had a raised blood pressure episode.  I would like to say my job is now more stressful than it ever was, but I am convinced that the reason I have not gone under is because of the treatment, training classes and support I get from the masters at the centre.

So, essentially, her story is: “I thought I was going to have a stroke, and then I didn’t have a stroke, and I put that down to the magic man and his pssshting.”

As for the outright baffling, how do they suggest needle-free acupuncture will help cure Broken Bones, Fractures, Eyesight problems, old age, Outstanding Performance (?!) and Pregnancy. What’s more, I don’t want to know where they press to help deal with Infertility.

What theory is Innersound Qi based on? You’ll not be surprised to hear it’s based on the usual unscientific nonsense. Specifically:

A healthy human body has an abundant and continuous flow of energy which supports all the physical functions. This energy is pumped through a network of energy channels similar to the way that blood is pumped by the heart and flows through the veins. Energy is pumped by the human battery, located just beneath the navel, and flows through energy meridians to all organs and cells.

Suffice to say, nothing has ever suggested there’s a ‘human battery’ located beneath the navel. That’s gibberish of the highest, most unscientific order.

From an eastern point of view, there are only two causes of ill-health – a shortage of energy and energy blockages. When we are short of energy, our body doesn’t have the energy it needs to function effectively bringing fatigue, pain and stress and leading to increasing imbalances and symptoms of ill-health.

Note – neither of the ‘only’ causes of ill-health include disease, germs, bacteria, viruses, genetic defects and predispositions, bad diet, lack of exercise, environmental factors, radiation or the million other ways we know ill-health comes about. This is ancient, disproven, childish gibberish. That they’re exporting to Africa to cure AIDS, and that they’re using here in the UK to offer alternatives to people generally desperate for help.

This might all sound like grumpy, curmudgeonly banging on a drum against something harmless, or silly. Perhaps you’re right. However, I witnessed people being Pssshted, falling for this ludicrous claptrappery, and if even one person with cancer, HIV, hepatitis or something similarly serious is convinced to believe in this Qi, then it’s one person too many.

Enter our hero of the hour, Ms/iss/rs(?) Beverley Turner, and her little excursion into something one or two of you will recognise…

“Even though I have this feeling, I deeply and completely accept myself.”

Got it yet?

*Taps Karate Chop Point 7 times*

“This Feeling” – including this wonderful comment by helloish123:

“Thank You…. This really works… I did this tapping today, $1200 cash all in $100 bills came to me unexpectedly. I had others ask to borrow money from me and I paid them both cash of what they asked me for and SOLD a house as well… I focused on releasing blockage of money flow. This works….enjoy jamie”

Yes, that’s it…  I can see the wide-eyed look of incredulity spreading like across your face like warm butter across hot toast:  The one and only – the 100% totally not “woo-woo or anything new-agey like that”, oh no – Emotional Freedom Technique and its merry entailment of gobshitery, insanity (“It could be long line in the fast food restaurant (sic) and I would feel like ripping slow people’s heads off – straight to EFT I go.”) and outrageous claims of efficacy over anything ranging from feeling a bit under the weather, to a lack of mathematical ability, to headaches, to short-sightedness (with added, extra quantum-woo) and, of course, the big one that they have to be able to claim:  Cancer.

Yes, this article – no relation to “This Feeling” – published in the Telegraph-ing horseshit to the masses – and penned by that presenter off of ‘Taste’, apparently, on Sky3 (does that channel really exist, or is it a barely noticed apparition in our collective subconscious?), is married to an Olympic gold medal winner, apparently, and now, apparently, qualified to flood the national psyche with healthcare advice which, in her own words, makes you “feel a bit of a wally” undertaking it.  I know, Bev, you must have felt a bit of a wally picking up that cheque as well…

Still.. It’s only about a bit of tapping, giggling and sticking it to The Man and his pesky Treatments-That-Actually-Work-But-I-Don’t-Understand in London’s LaLaLand of  well-monied, but missing-a-screw-or-two set, isn’t it?  No harm done, eh?  Of course not.

Apart from the harm you’re doing in directing people towards a nonsense non-treatment that, with a laugh and a joke, a nod and a wink, tells the credulous mass who have been conditioned to taking all manner of advice from ‘celebrities’, even homeopathic celebrities (almost certainly no celeb…  you see where I’m going), that they can stop taking their medication, because “…it (EFT) may may (sic) substantially reduce or eliminate diabetes symptoms….”

This insane article doesn’t, in itself, promote the use of EFT for severe physical conditions, but it does recommend this treatment for severe psychological trauma, with nothing but scant, ridiculously biased and credulous anecdotes as ‘evidence’.  The person doing this promotion has absolutely no right, no qualification and no hard facts to fall back on in defence of this piece.  It reeks of advertising dressed up as journalism, written with the force of semi-celebrity behind it, and immediately creditable via its publication in a broadsheet with a circulation close to 1.9 million readers per day.

Beverley Turner writes silly, trite books about her terrible time in the really, terribly machismo, anti-feminist world of F1 (dog bites man, news at 11); presents a terribly pro-feminist, err, middle-class TV cookery show and comments on healthcare that a good portion of almost 2,000,000 readers/day will ingest uncritically.  This person has a dream-like life, apparently untouched by the heinous tragedies that she then uses as pseudo-evidence for this PR piece, or to give it the old-fashioned name ’propaganda’, for people who want to sell 21^st Century Snake-Oil-as-Talk-Therapy to the masses.

I wonder if she’s happy to Telegraph credibility towards EFT for diabetes as promoted by its founder, Mr Gary – Slugbrows – Craig?

She, and the Telegraph are living in fantasyland, but not everyone can join them.  Most of us are stuck in the real world.

And what is it to have your middle-class, fashionable food fantasies brought, nodding and winking into the real world?

As most of our attempts at recreating Delia will testify:  A Nightmare.

I was so overcome with joy when I discovered what I am about to tell you that I am now writing with my eyes full of salty tears, warm and wet with emotion… Friends! I come to you with Good News!

Are you – a beautiful, delicate human soul – suffering from some sort of emotional pain, or physical ailment? Do your unique thoughts blossom as the daisies in the meadow, but often gravitate onto grave issues that induce effects from the mild melancholic to chronic, debilitating depression, perhaps interfering with your mathematical abilities? Do intrusive, perhaps obsessive thoughts on your disruptive encounters with precious friends or beloved family trouble you in your daily life, causing a phobia of lifts or dyslexia? Are the ongoing effects of war and rape pushing up your golf handicap, troubling your urination or just leaving you with an untidy room?

• Would you like to completely overcome all of these problems and many more in just minutes?
• Would you like to harness the completely unverifiable, but incredibly powerful meridian and chakra knowledge of the ancient Chinese? Then…

*shudders* For a minute there, I felt like a Chopra.

Where was I?

Ah yes! What we all really want in these twisted, perverted modern times is the ability to have all of our guilty pleasures without any of the guilt, take heart from our healthy pleasures without spending time on them, in short to have our horseshit without the pressing need for a horse. Sugar-free sweets, fat-free butter, exertion-free exercise, arsenic-free arsenic solution, cure-free cures and, of course, needle-free acupuncture.

Those deliciously died brows, like a pair of slugs engaged in a fireside chat over a light ale, hang upon the gentle brow of the ‘genius’ that is the inventor of our needle-free future, Gary Craig. Gary has brought us the impossible dream, a therapy so advanced that it will literally solve all of humankind’s emotional and physical problems, while leaving those blessed beings touched by this healing only with the lingering effects of being tapped. Yes! Gary – who isn’t the love child of Richard Dawkins and Jackie Stewart, despite those glorious brows – screams at us, though really I’m sure his tapping has calmed him to the point where he barely whispers his message, that the Emotional Freedom Technique (emofree.com – yes. Emofree. And?) is “a powerful new discovery that combines two well-established sciences”. What are these two well-established sciences? Well I’m glad you asked, and so is Gary. Here’s the list:

Mind Body Medicine.

Acupuncture (without needles).

At this point I started to wonder which dictionary this chap uses when he throws around a term like ‘science’ in relation to ‘acupuncture’ (which is surely just ‘acu’ if the puncturing is dropped, no?), leaving aside ‘Mind Body Medicine’ which is as empty and fatuous a term as anyone who spends a few minutes digging around in google is likely to find. Why would anyone think acupuncture is a science?

Well, there are scientific studies that find some benefit from acupuncture, so it might be reasonable to accept that and go along with the wisdom of the ancient Chinese. … Unless you look at the scientific studies that show acupuncture is ineffective, or look to the studies that show sham acupuncture as at least, sometimes more effective than ‘proper’ acupuncture. Acupuncture works by convincing people, through ritual, authority and the fairly scary procedure involved, that it will be effective, producing a classic conditioned response. More salivating dog than salvation from dog-eaters.

So how does it work then? Well, for an ‘authoritative’ guide there’s a free e-book or two floating around and a suite of videos on that there youtube to bring you well up to speed, like this one from tapping.org – that’s right…tapping.org.

What?

Anyway, the video:

It does ask you to suspend your disbelief for a while… perhaps the rest of your life, in fact. The soothing music certainly helps in that regard, but for those of you who are unwilling or unable to invest yourselves in 19 minutes of pure, unadulterated comedy, then here’s your brief, very brief, overview:

1. Cultivate the feeling you wish to work on.
2. Tap on a point on your body (The karate chop point on your hand is mentioned in that video)
3. Repeat a mantra of deeply-meaningful, meaningless nonsense. (“Even though I have this feeling, I deeply and completely accept myself.”)
4. Repeat

Then you need to ‘clear your nerve channels’ – I know that sounds ridiculously new-agey, and of course we wouldn’t want to be spouting anything ridiculously new-agey or “woo-woo” this is just a standing wave in a specific part of your nervous system that needs to be unblocked. No, really. They say this. With a straight face. Standing waves of negative energy blocking your nervous system.

Genius… Right, err… Clearing the nerve channel. Here we are:

1. Tap the bridge of your nose with two fingers and say “This feeling”.
2. Tap the side of your eye and say “This feeling”.
3. Repeat for under your eye, under the nose, on your chin while saying “This feeling”
4. With the flat of your hand, tap your collar bone and say, guess what?… “This feeling”
5. Back to tapping with your fingers, this time on your fingers and thumb, except for the ring finger (Which can be different in each culture. Strange to skip that… almost as though there’s nothing to this but bs… anyway… ) and, of course… “This feeling”

That’s it! And you don’t have to worry about getting it exactly right in exactly the right spot… it’s all connected and it all works…

So there we are with a debunked list of ‘well-established sciences’, a bizarre ritual and EFT (acu?) is standing proudly, chest puffed, atop the twin pillars of Empty Verbiage and Placebo – the foundations of woo are strong in this one. What mighty, intractable problems of modern life could possibly resist it?

Clearly, this isn’t a medical procedure, we want to make that quite clear from the off… You know, they’d get in trouble for saying that, and Gary goes out of his way to cover his arse on the front page:

“Nothing contained herein should be considered a medical claim or medical advice. For more, read our EFT Info and Disclaimer Document…”

Which is fair and right and just, we wouldn’t want people to think they could skip some of their pills, lotions, scans, samples, biopsies, injections, special dietary requirements, sessions or radiotherapy would we Gary? Of course we wouldn’t Gary. Well said, Gaz.

Hold on, Gary… What the fuck is this?

“…we urge you to bring these procedures to the attention of your physician(s) as they may reduce the need for drugs, surgeries, radiation and the like.”

So come on, what do you reckon this works for Gary?

Weight loss

OCD

ASTHMA

Abuse

Allergies

Bulimia

Smoking

Addictions

ADHD

Depression

Anorexia

DIABETES

PTSD

Phobias

Dyslexia

Detoxing

BLOOD PRESSURE

Headaches

Short/Long

Sightedness

Really, Gary? The root problem with Diabetes, Asthma and Blood Pressure is ‘emotional’? All we need to do to rid ourselves of these modern, killer plagues is tap away on our karate chop point? Is that it? Ahh… but we should remember, shouldn’t we, that you ‘urge’ people to go to their GP as they ’may’ be able to reduce their reliance on medicine that has unequivocal benefits based on the ‘benefits’ of this utter nonsense you’re peddling. These sensible, everyday people who are taking their advice on healthcare from the internet…

…and Short/Long sightedness? Are we supposed to believe that the changing shape of our eyes over time is in part or in whole due to emotional problems? What’s this about…

“At the end of each session, I give the client a one page EFT instruction sheet. I ask her to read it to ensure that the instructions match what we did in our session and I give her the instructions to use on her own. She picked up the sheet and said in astonishment, “I can read it without my glasses; I didn’t realize I was so angry it affected my vision.”

About a week later she gave me this testimonial. “I found that EFT relaxed me enough that my vision improved doing training and has remained as a lasting benefit.”

Rich Block” - Source: Emo Free

Rich Block. Richard Block.

Richard, or ‘Dick’.

Block, or ‘Head’.

This whole thing reads like a wind-up, and the videos seem like a really contrived comedy routine. The great and lasting sadness to all of this, for me, is that there are pharmacies who are involved in pushing this in our midst, there’s one about 100m from my door.

This woo factory: Orrell Park Therapy, is owned by its neighbour: Orrell Park Pharmacy, with Diana Cheung, as the trained pharmacist owner offering such ‘complimentary’ delights (in the medicine, rather than the free mint sense, one presumes):

Acupuncture

Reflexology

Aromatherapy

Hopi [Ear] Candles

Lymphatic Drainage Massage

Alexander Technique Reiki

And….

Emotional Freedom Technique

That’s right folks, you too can indulge yourself with a treatment of tapping karate points around your body while muttering nonsense for JUST 40 of your hard-earned, or ill-gotten, depending on your disposition, pounds.

I leave you with the words of what appears to be a fully qualified MD who pushes EFT. Eric Robins:

“…I’m not really a miracle worker at all, you just get used to seeing patients having really miraculous healings…”

Thanks, Mr Miracleworkerman. Pure. Comedy. Gold.

…and just to let you know, the temptation to misspell dyslexia up at the top was almost overpowering. Almost.

Conventional Medicine: Natural, holistic, and safe

As alternative medicines seem to get so much media exposure, I thought it was time I tried to explain how the conventional approach to medicine works, as I think people take it for granted without really being aware of what is involved. Alternative therapists often promote their treatments as being natural, safe and holistic, when often they are anything but that!

As a vet I believe I take a holistic approach to how I practise veterinary medicine, and approach my cases. If someone brings an ill animal into the surgery, before I examine it, I take a detailed history, which includes asking questions about the animal’s diet and lifestyle…. What food does it eat? Any recent change in diet? How many animals in the household, indoor or outdoor, and how many are showing symptoms. Any recent stress factors (e.g. moving house, people moving into or out of the home, recent kennelling, trauma, accidents or fights; major renovations). I’ll look at its previous medical history and check if it’s on concurrent medication, and check if the owners have medicated it with ‘over the counter’ or their own medication. What flea and worming treatments are being used, and when last applied. Vaccination status. Body condition. The animal’s signalment, ie breed, age, sex, entire/ neutered, all of which affect the conditions it could be susceptible to. I’ll keep in mind that very young, or old animals, as well as those that are obviously ill, may not be able to tolerate certain medications, or procedures.

By the time a dog has walked into the consult room, or a cat has been hauled out of its box, a decent vet will already have been judging it’s mental status, ability to walk, level of co-ordination, noted any lameness or neurological signs, any exercise intolerance, or dyspnoea, we’ll have looked for any swollen or bleeding areas, and we’ll be starting to pick up on on any coat or skin changes. We will also be assessing how friendly / aggressive it is, but that’s self preservation not medicine!

Then I’ll examine the animal head – tail, or by body system. Often people accuse us of only glancing at their animals, as the examinations are often done at speed. There is a time limitation here, not only due to the appt. system but also because animals quickly lose patience with being poked and prodded, so the longer you take, often the more difficult and less useful the exam can become, especially with cats, and aggressive dogs. By the time I have stroked your pets head, and had a look at it’s ears, mouth, nostrils and eyes, if everything looked ok, I’ve already started to rule out … glaucoma, hypertension, jaundice, dental disease, skull or mandible fractures, poor circulation, anaemia, polycythemia, clotting disorders, FIP, oral/ocular neoplasia, upper respiratory tract infection’s, conjunctivitis, blocked tear ducts, ocular and nasal FB’s, otitis externa/media/interna, retrobulbar abscesses, cyanosis, shock, and dehydration. But I’m not going to tell you all of that as I’m sweeping over the animal, because my brain is already onto the next part of the animal, while making a problem list, and a potential differential diagnoses list, as well as working out if further tests are required, and which would be the most helpful/ relevant and/or cost effective. I will bear in mind that your animal may have more than one thing wrong with it, and that not all of it’s clinical signs may be relevant (e.g. if a cat has had shit teeth for years and then stops eating … there’s likely to be something else wrong with it too.)

If we do prescribe medication for your animal you can be sure that it has been thoroughly developed and tested to ensure that it’s both effective and safe. I studied pharmacology as part of my training, so I understand how the medication works, when it’s appropriate to use it, and any potential side effects. The practice is inspected to ensure that the medication is correctly stored, and that records are kept of amounts and batch numbers, so that if there was ever a problem, it can be traced.

As well as the obvious treatments of medicine or surgery being provided, vet’s also give advice on husbandry. This can include changes in lifestyle such as rest, or more exercise; physiotherapy or swimming, a change in diet; advice about behaviour e.g. decreasing stress and providing a more stimulating environment. That’s what I call holistic. Yet the term is more often associated with alternative medicine and it shouldn’t be! Perhaps people would rather be told their dog had diabetes because it’s chakra’s were out of sync, rather than facing the fact it was caused by a high fat diet of leftovers and treats, and a lack of exercise.

Possible scenario… The acupuncturist suggests your dog is lethargic because it has a problem with its spleen. They tell you that the spleen is responsible for helping the body to get rid of toxins, and in your dog it’s not working properly. They suggest acupuncture (of course), and place needles through the dogs skin based on the meridians for the spleen. They tell you they will unblock the meridian, and the dogs energy levels should rise after. Even as I’m writing it I can’t believe people buy into this crap.

Of course they wouldn’t actually tell you what they thought was wrong with the spleen… e.g. infection, trauma, cancer, autoimmune problem etc. And of course there is no way to tell if there was a problem with the spleen just by looking at the dog, although you could suspect it was enlarged by abdominal palpation, in thin relaxed animals. In conventional medicine, if the spleen was causing the lethargy, it would be because it was affected by a not uncommon vascular tumour called a haemangiosarcoma. One of the reasons the dogs are lethargic is because they are bleeding into their abdomens, and without prompt diagnosis and surgery, they bleed to death. Sticking pins into a dog isn’t going to stop that happening. You might as well stick pins into a voodoo doll, and save the dog the discomfort!

If you really feel that the vet hasn’t given your animal a proper examination, or if you think they are incompetent, go and see a different vet for a second opinion. Don’t completely turn your back on conventional medicine and head off in search of the nearest Woo practitioner! Not only are you receiving poor quality diagnosis and treatment, but there are many potential dangers.

At best, nothing may happen, as treatments like homeopathy won’t have any effect at all. Of course an animal may deteriorate as it’s being deprived of an accurate assessment while you waste time with the quack. At worst, you may be told to stop giving medication that it’s already taking, with potentially catastrophic results. Many therapists promote the phenomenon known as the ‘healing crisis’ where they tell you to expect the animal to get worse before it gets better, supposedly due to the body fighting back and expelling toxins! Of course this would lead you to try and ignore your animal as it got worse, instead of seeking veterinary advice and help as soon as possible. Alternative medicine can be directly harmful to your animal too. Incorrect placement of acupuncture needles can cause bleeding, or nerve damage. The needles can spread infection if not sterile, or can break off and potentially cause a foreign body reaction. Manipulation therapies like osteopathy can cause bruising, pain and paralysis. Unlike conventional pharmaceuticals, herbal remedies have not been properly tested to ensure their safety. They can be directly toxic, interfere with other medications, and often contain other compounds and contaminants. For example, milk thistle has been associated with colic, diarrhoea, vomiting and fainting; and can interfere with anti diabetic and antiviral drugs. Artichoke just causes flatulence…

And lastly, some advice:

Please don’t tap the table or the animal when I’m trying to listen to it’s heart, or wait until that moment to tell me you’ve just remembered that it ate your mothers heart medication along with the packaging, but you’d forgotten to tell me until now. Please stop making homophobic jokes about ‘shirtlifters’ when I’m taking your dogs rectal temperature. And please don’t tell me that your pet didn’t mean it, just after it’s tried to bite my face; it doesn’t make me feel any better.

Recently, I spent a little time in Edinburgh – having headed north of the border in order to sample what the fringe festival had to offer, I was wholly prepared for a few good laughs.

Which is lucky really, because sitting in a cafe on Cockburn Street (which I was assured but not convinced was actually pronounced Co-burn Street), I noticed this sign (that one there on the right.  It impressed me so much, I obviously took a photo, because I’m like that).

The sign was attached to a woo-peddling establishment called (I believe) Crystal Clear – a veritable cornucopia of bullshit, which the sign doubtlessly attests to.  In case you can’t read the small print, the shop offers:

Feng Shui / Tai Chi / Meditation / Ecology / Herbalism / I Ching / Dowsing / Homeopathy / Self-Improvement / Massage / Spiritual Awareness / Shamen / Zen / Buddhism / Numerology / Native American Indian Art / Therapy / Psychic Development / Acupuncture / Crystals / Complimentary Medicine / Colour Healing / Psychology / Tibetan Buddhism / Wicca / Bonsai / Tarot / Green Issues / Astrology / Aroma Therapy / Celtic Christianity / Sufism / Vegan Cooking / Divination.

A mixed bag, I’m sure you’ll agree, but at least they covered their bases.  I’ve emboldened the ones that made me giggle most, because they’re so normal amongst this sea of crap.  Obviously I went in, and obviously I looked for the weirdest thing I could find…And so, I can present to you the fruits of my labours – something so weirdly-woo that even I am startled at it.  I give you:

Su Jok Massage

Sounds pretty innocuous, right?  Sounds like a fairly standard, eastern-based nonsense.  We’ve all seen those, they’re weird but all samey, nothing remarkable here, right?  Well, before you ask me any more quickfire rhetorical questions, take a look at the accompanying leaflet.  Click it to make it bigger, if you like.  Marvel in it’s sheer bullshittery.

Su Jok Massage, it seems, is the process of taking a cheap ring (it’s actually more like a loose spring, coiled into a circle) and rubbing it on specific, homunculus areas of the hand to cure what ails you.  The little finger equates to the right hand, apparently.  The ring finger heals your left leg, too.  Handy.  Although there’s no mention of what happens if you massage areas of the right hand – by the looks of this helpful and very cute diagram (look!  his trachea even looks like a little tie below his round, bald, thumby head!) all the action takes place on the left hand.  Maybe the right hand is for healing the mind – you know, rub your right thumb and it cures your depression centre, the tip of the right little finger causes a surge in happiness, that sort of thing.

I think what I like best about the whole thing is the attention to detail – essentially, the makers (Shivago Thai Clinic – we’ll get onto those guys in a bit) have just seen a very basic drawing of human anatomy, and then kinda bent it around a left hand.  Very scientific.  Thanks for that, guys.

A helpful Merseyside Skeptic illustrates the Su Jok healing areas on a real hand. Thank you, helpful Merseyside Skeptic.

The rest of the leaflet, not pictured, consists of some creatively-translated instructions, which I think are worth replicating here in full, lest anyone manages to secure a Su Jok ring on the black market and goes off half-cocked, with no clue what they’re doing.  This is powerful stuff after all – just look at the stern expression on the little thumb guy if you need any proof of that.

Rolling the ring on the thumb or big toe for 2 minutes twice a day is traditionally used for the relief of headache, toothache, stiffness of neck, cervical spondylosis, tension, insomnia and colds.

Ahhh so it’s ‘traditionally used for the relief’ of those things?  It very specifically does not ‘treat’ those symptoms?  Well side-stepped, cautious and serious thumb guy.  Fortunately, all of the head-type things it treats traditionally is used to relieve are nice, simple, go-away-by-themselves, subjective things.  Which makes peddling a woo product so much easier – not having to actually prove effectiveness.

Rolling the ring on the little finger or toe for 2 minutes twice a day is traditionally used for the relief of tension in the hands or feet.

Eh?  The little finger equals the hands OR feet?  This goes against everything the little thumb guy stands for!  Did his sternness and little tie trachea mean nothing to these people?

Rolling the ring on the middle finger or toe for 3 minutes twice a day is traditionally used for the relief of knee-joint pain, sciatica, stomach pain, back pain, ankle pain and calf pain.

Ah, back to the thumb guy’s guide – mainly leg-based things for the middle finger, just as he tells us.  Also, exclusively subjective symptoms again.  Lovely.  Quite how rubbing the middle finger will help with stomach or back pain I’ve no idea – and neither does little thumb guy (he really should have a name by now, I’m deferring to his wisdom so often.  Let’s call him Clive.  He looks like a Clive to me).

Rolling the ring on the first and middle finger or toe is traditionally used to improve the function of the digestive system and lungs

OK, now Clive’s just pissing me off I think.  He clearly has a hand on one of his fingers, and a foot on the other.  Neither of these things are related to digestion or breathing.  Clive’s showboating, I fear.  It also makes me wonder why have all that crap drawn all over the palm if the magic healing traditional relieving ring is only to be applied to fingers and toes?  It’s almost as if there’s no thought at all gone into this product, apart from to just exploit gullible people’s obsession with eastern-influenced health-bollocks in order to make money.

Surely the good people of… who was it again, those guys I said we’d come back to, ah – yes! – Shivago Thai Clinic… surely the good people of them wouldn’t try and capitalise on the pseudomedical obsession with the East to turn a quick buck?  Surely, in the name of Clive and all that is sacred, they’d sell something based on, well, something?

Let’s find out, with a quick trip to their lovely Eastern-themed website.

Shivago Thai Clinic follows the lineage of Traditional Thai Therapies which originated over 2500 years ago. We are dedicated to the preservation of Thailand’s authentic healing heritage and its integration into a modern lifestyle.

OK, so they promote healthcare that pre-dates germ theory by about 2350 years or so.  The older it is, the better – I’m sure that’s how it works.  Which is why leeches cure more diseases than anti-biotics, and holy men out-do both put together…

Here you can experience “first touch”, our unique style of Thai Therapies, delivered by our highly trained professional therapists as featured in the Scotsman , Scotland on Sunday, Daily Record, The List , Westminster News, Portuguese News and Brazilian News.

Now, all good medical practices state up front which newspapers they’re featured in, I’m sure.  And the Portuguese News and Brazilian News are right up there alongside The Lancet, I’m positive.  Lets keep looking…

Traditional Thai Therapy is an excellent way of easing and preventing stress related issues such as; muscle pain, stiffness, headache, neck pain, back pain, joint pain, tiredness, sport injuries, low energy and the stagnation of energy and blood.

Thai Therapy also improves posture balance and corrects body alignment.

Finally – some testable claims.  Traditional Thai Therapy prevents stress-related issues like headaches, and improves posture.  Those are actual scientific claims.  The bit about blood and energy stagnation goes back to being meaningless bollocks again, but for a moment, we had something, Clive and I.  Don’t think I’m not already drafting an email to Dr Shivago’s people to find out their evidence for these claims.  Clive – I’m sorry, but the gloves are off…

I’m always fascinated by which ideas people hold as their metaphorical cow.  A few years ago, when I first started getting enthusiastic about skepticism, I was ranting in the pub with a doctor friend of mine about homeopathy, crystal healing, iridology, and their friends.  We laughed and joked together about the implausibility of it all and the lack of credible evidence, until I mentioned acupuncture.  Suddenly, his face fell and his tone became more stern. “Actually, acupuncture is effective and there are good scientific reasons for that.”

I was briefly taken aback by this.  My friend is one of the most fiercely scientifically-minded people I know, to the point where he has been accused of bringing down a fun, but daft, conversation by pointing out how daft it is from a scientific stand point.  He was the last person I would have expected to claim efficacy for a pseudomedical practice like acupuncture and looking back now, I should have asked him to explain.  Instead, the subject was dropped, glasses were refilled and conversation breezed on to something else.

As an aside, my doctor friend isn’t the first (and wasn’t the last) person I know to have made positive noises about the efficacy of acupuncture and I can’t help but think it seems to be a particular blind spot for people who are otherwise skeptical of pseudomedicine. Or maybe that’s just confirmation bias on my part.

Back to the plot.

A couple of weeks ago, the Archives of Internal Medicine published the results of a new study which suggested that acupuncture was effective for lower back pain.  In fact, it was so effective that you don’t even have to do any actual acupuncture for it to work; you can play pretend acupuncturist and get results that are just as good.  Steve Novella definitively took apart the conclusions of this study for Science-Based Medicine, and I shan’t attempt to repeat his arguments here. Go read it for yourself. Spoiler: what the data actually says is, acupuncture does not work.

On the heels of this study has come the news that the UK national health watchdog, NICE, have recommended that acupuncture should be made available to NHS patients suffering with lower-back pain.  Specifically, NICE suggest that patients who have suffered with non-specific lower-back pain for more than six weeks should be offered a twelve-week course of one of three “complimentary” therapies: acupuncture, chiropractic or exercise.

Why is this a problem?  Enumeration is always easier, since I don’t have to segue.

1. This is the first time that NICE has recommended such comprehensive use of pseudomedicine on the NHS; a worrying precedent.
2. The news comes on the very heels of the Archives study which, despite the conclusions drawn by the authors and reported in the press, very clearly shows that acupuncture is not effective for lower back pain.  You would almost think that the good people down at NICE had uncritically read the press coverage of the study, without actually reading the study itself.
3. Amusingly, alongside their recommendation to treat patients with placebo-needles and placebo-massage, NICE also recommend that other treatments are dropped to pay for it because… wait for it. Because they aren’t effective.  Oh, the irony!
4. Hold on, exercise? Since when was doing exercise considered a “complimentary” therapy?
5. This is a big PR-win for the pseudomedics, who are already being quoted in the press as saying “we always knew our therapies worked”.
6. If taken up, these recommendations will result in over £40m of tax payers money being paid to acupuncturists, chiropractors and osteopaths.