As we’re increasingly seeing in the wake of these natural disasters, the internet has proven to be a great source of aid and fundraising, with appeals instantly springing up on Twitter and Facebook to raise funds for the distraught citizens and destroyed towns.

But aid from charities like Unicef, The Red Cross, Médecins Sans Frontières and the Disasters Emergency Committee (please donate to any one of those) isn’t the limit of the help offered to those suffering the effects of the disaster – instead, smelling the desperation and sensing a chance to convert, religious organisations and dangerous cults have descended upon the troubled isle to hoover up the hopeless into their organisations.

First up, Christian group ‘Faith Comes By Hearing‘ got involved, declaring on their website:

“Faith Comes By Hearing, the world’s foremost Audio Bible ministry, is responding to this crisis by providing faith, hope and love through God’s Word in audio”

That’s right – they’re going to help fight the rampant poverty, disease and homelessness via spreading the word of God.

“We already have 600 Proclaimers on their way through our ministry partner, Convoy of Hope,” said Jon Wilke, Faith Comes By Hearing’s spokesperson.

At first I was confused – I mean, I remember the Proclaimers, and there was only two of them, and quite how a ginger Scottish pop duo could help an entire nation, I couldn’t fathom. Fortunately, it seems I’d been mistaken, and the real ‘proclaimers’ were only slightly less ludicrous as forms of aid:

“These portable, solar-powered Audio Bibles will be given to local pastors so people can hear God’s Word in their own language—Haitian Creole.”

The group explain on their site how these proclaimer units, digital Bible-verse-spouting units which they describe as ‘a gift from God’ after they came up with the idea following a three-day fast, will be doled out to pastors who can use the devices to ‘minister to groups of hurting and wounded people who need the Word of God in their heart language’.

Wilke continues:

“There is an immediate need for another 3,000 Proclaimers. We want to equip short-term groups, disaster relief teams, church teams and other ministries with the Word of God in a format the people can use. Haitians will need that long-term hope and comfort that comes from knowing God has not forgotten them through this tragedy… Imagine the change in atmosphere if God’s Word is there, playing in their language, reminding them that God is with them.”

Where God was when the earthquake happened is anyone’s guess, but my imagination must be a little off, because I can’t really imagine just how a Bible-verse-filled MP3 player will change the atmosphere in shell-shocked Haiti more than, say, food or clothing or medicine or structural rebuilding.

Still, the Xtians aren’t the only ones smelling opportunity, as news broke that the island of Haiti will also be visited by the Xenutians that are the Scientologists. The cult of Scientology – and I believe, in Haiti, it IS considered a cult not a religion – have form for sniffing out disaster and inserting themselves into the process, having been present in the aftermath of the London bombings in July 2005. This time, they’re going to Haiti, courtesy of John Travolta, who recently told US Weekly:

“I have arranged for a plane to take some some volunteer ministers and some supplies and some medics.”

The completely-not-gay Hollywood actor then added:

“My church has also arranged for 80 medicos and 33 volunteers to go down. I hope that inspires others as well.”

Just to clear up any confusion that may arise from things getting lost in translation, by his ‘church’ he means his scientology group. I thought this worth pointing out to our largely UK-based listeners, given that Scientology is not a religion here in the UK. Or in Haiti. Or in France, for that matter. ‘Fraud in an organised gang’, I believe the French judges ruled…

So, what will the cult of Scientology be doing in Port Au Prince? Well, if it’s anything like their showings at recent disasters, we can expect a cavalcade of pseudoscientific healing techniques heavily attached to proselytising their ‘fraud in an organised gang’ organisation. The website ‘gawker.com’ offers a rundown of previous Xenu-aid:

- The “Purification Rundown”: After 9/11, Scientology set up a clinic in downtown Manhattan where firefighters sat in saunas, worked out, and took niacin and other vitamins, a regime that toxicologists have derided as “quackery.”

- “Touch Assists”: Scientologists descended on India in the wake of the Tsunami to save lives with “touch assists,” which, according to this Washington Post story, consisted of a mechanic from Michigan touching people and saying “feel my finger” over and over and over again.

- “Locational Assists”: After traumas, people sometimes forget where they are maybe? To remind earthquake victims that they are still stuck in Haiti, volunteer ministers will be performing this vital medical procedure, quoted here verbatim from the Scientology Handbook:

5. Continue giving the command, directing the person’s attention to different objects in the environment. Be sure to acknowledge the person each time after he has complied. For instance, you say, “Look at that tree.” “Thank you.” “Look at that building.” “Good.” “Look at that street.” “All right.” “Look at that lawn.” “Very good.” You point each time to the object.

6. Keep this up until the person has good indicators and a cognition. You can end the assist at this point. Tell the person, “End of assist.”

- “Nerve Assists”: This is basically a back massage, which if performed properly will dislodge the “standing wave” of trauma that is preventing horribly wounded and completely bereft Haitian earthquake victims from leading normal, satisfactory, psych-free lives.

Talking Bibles or pseudoscientific cult-babble – it’s good to see religion and quasi-religion still has a part to play in the recovery process.