“We are music, health and education audio and book publishers. We specialize in music medicine, music instruction, weight loss , alternative therapies and film scoring“

An eclectic mix there, I’m sure you’ll agree. I’m sure you’ll also allow me to skip over the film scoring and piano lessons, and get right down to the good stuff – taking a look at the alternative therapies on offer, this film-scoring-music-guru will merrily peddle you products for ‘Internal Cleansing‘, weight loss products and books, as well as – amazingly – a weight loss photo. Which is literally just a photoshopped photo of the current-sized-You, adjusted in order to make you look slimmer. And black and white. Apparently, this is a great motivational technique. Yeah.

On top of all that, the good maestro advises on a dangerous-sounding 10-Point Colon Cleanse – because, I don’t know about you, but I always take digestive advice from someone with a B.A. degree in piano performance (from UCLA, no less).Surprisingly, Howard’s not a doctor, or any kind of science-acquainted person. In fact, one of the few things I particularly like about the site is that his bio describes him as being an ‘unlikely “expert” in the field of weight loss.’

You can say that again.

Still, his weight loss ideas are nothing compared to his other field of expertise – music medicine. Music. Medicine. It’s these claims that I particularly took interest in, and I’m quoting the website here:

Music Therapy for Transformation

Sound Feelings music therapy for transformation offers drug-free audio products for specific illnesses and conditions. Our recordings provide a music therapy alternative to traditional expressive arts therapy. Self-help entrainment music resolves stress and blocks which encourages a relaxing recovery. The following medical music titles are piano instrumentals geared for mind/body self-reflection, cellular release and self-improvement. See also: homeopathic music, designer music, therapeutic music, energy medicine.

Yikes.

As you can imagine, I had a lot of questions regarding the information on the site, and the health credentials of a man who describes himself as having use of music to heal. I mean, who wouldn’t have questions about that? Fortunately, I found the following:

Sound Feelings frequently asked questions (FAQS) about our alternative medicine and music instruction products. Hopefully you will find answers to your questions about our self-help stress management and music training tools

Excellent, an FAQ! And what’s the only question in the FAQ?

Why is your company spamming me?

Yikes! Things are not always as they seem. It may appear as if Sound Feelings is spamming you or that we are sending you viruses! But we are not. We have NEVER done anything like that and we are very angry that other people are implicating us and we are very, very sorry for any inconvenience that you may have experienced due to this fiasco.

So it’s a site which offers miraculous, magic music, who’s main and most-asked question is regarding their spamming practices. No, no, that’s entirely normal, that’s how all health advice tends to work…

At this juncture, you’re doubtlessly curious as to how these miracle-melodies sound, right? How about a sample?

• Feeling stressed? Not a problem! Simply listen to this clip and feel your stress melt away!
• Feeling fat? Not a problem! Simply listen to this clip and feel that fat melt away!
• Suffering from AIDS or Cancer? Not a problem! Simply listen to these clips and feel your AIDS and/or Cancer melt away!

Unbelievable. Fortunately, the website does offer instruction on how to best use the tapes to fight cancer:

“The listener should be process-oriented rather than goal-oriented to appreciate this music for cancer”

I guess this makes total sense, after all if you go around being goal-oriented you might expect your cancer to be cured by the music…

For the pedants amongst you, the full list of illnesses and ailments the Music Man Who Comes From Down The Way can cure (What Can He Cu-re?) reads:

The following information gives you guidelines on creating your own healing music sequence, even if you do not play an instrument! However, for your convenience, you may wish to use music that has already been created for this purpose.

If so, you may purchase our music for specific illnesses and conditions, including: stress, chronic pain, insomnia, addictions, smoking, cardiovascular illnesses, post-traumatic-stress syndrome, TMJ, panic disorder/anxiety, overweight, anorexia, bulimia, depression, low self-esteem, stress, creative or emotional blocks, anger, fear, sadness, hyperactivity, attention deficit disorder, inner child processing (adults), stress and insomnia for the pregnant woman, anxiety and pain during birth, colic and anxiety in the newborn infant, breastfeeding, emotional armor, conflicts, infertility, cancer, anger, AIDS, infection, fear, lack of self-respect, immune system suppression, scleroderma, dementia anxiety, death and dying, frustration, individual transformational music, self-reflection, heightened awareness, relaxation, and inspiration.

Excellent. Some deeper digging around the site produced an extended FAQ, with the following

Has the music been tested anywhere?

We have letters from people from all over the world praising the benefits of the tapes for various situations. However, because we have not yet acquired clinical documentation, no cures or claims are implied. Since 1984, we have actually invited over 150 agencies and universities to become involved in testing our music. Unfortunately, funding always seems to be the issue.

In short – no, it’s not been tested.

Even if we were to come up with the huge funding required ourselves, would this self-funded research satisfy the hardened skeptic? Probably not. Our suggestion is to try the music and to take advantage of our 90-day, no-risk guarantee.

No-risk? Take this music CD to cure your AIDS/Cancer, and if it doesn’t work you get your money back?!

Another Frequently Asked Question reads:

Why do certain parts of the music seem irritating to me?

Well, I can answer that one – because it’s dangerous pseudoscientific bullshit. And it doesn’t even sound nice to listen to.

Pop Benedict attacks government over Equality Bill

The Pope has urged Catholic bishops in England and Wales to fight the UK’s Equality Bill with “missionary zeal”. – Source: BBC Online

Yep, the Holy One believes that a bill aimed at protecting people from discrimination based on sexuality and gender is an evil law that must be fought with the kind of zeal missionaries have. I’m not 100% sure what missionary zeal is – I think it’s where the zealot is on top and the infidel is underneath, thus allowing the zealot to look the infidel in the eyes while he fucks them (metaphorically speaking). I do think it worth pointing out that had a leading figure in the Muslim faith uttered the phrase ‘fight with missionary zeal’ we’d be talking terrorism – but because the only people the Pope is condemning to death are countless Africans (more of that later) we see him as something of a weird but harmless old man. Go figure.

What’s more, the Pope has said the legislation “violates natural law” – a pretty clear reference to the fact that it would allow homosexuals more freedom from discrimination from, say, religious organisations. The very use of the phrase ‘violates natural law’ is immensely telling, if you ask me – it’s so homophobic I’m surprised Jan Moir hasn’t had it tattooed across her forehead.

In a speech he made in Rome, Bene/Ratzy told the Catholic bishops of England and Wales:

“Your country is well-known for its firm commitment to equality of opportunity for all members of society. Yet, as you have rightly pointed out, the effect of some of the legislation designed to achieve this goal has been to impose unjust limitations on the freedom of religious communities to act in accordance with their beliefs.

“In some respects it actually violates the natural law upon which the equality of all human beings is grounded and by which it is guaranteed.”

The statements have rightly caused an uproar, as has the planned official 4-day visit the Holy Father intends to make to our unGodly and equality-seeking land. At a cost of £20million of tax-payers money. That’s £20million that could be better spent… on homeopathy, bankers’ bonuses or MPs expenses, for example. It’s certainly £20million too much – a view shared by over 12,000 protesters, who’ve signed a petition to appeal to the Prime Minister to have the Pope’s club (worldwide Catholicism) to foot the bill, rather than the UK Government. The petition states:

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to ask the Catholic Church to pay for the proposed visit of the Pope to the UK and relieve the taxpayer of the estimated £20 million cost. We accept the right of the Pope to visit his followers in Britain, but public money would be better spent on hard-pressed schools, hospitals and social services which are facing cuts.

If you agree with the cause, feel free to sign the petition online.

This isn’t the first outrageous statement God’s representative on Earth has made of late. On March 17, 2009, Pope Benedict flew to Africa to visit Cameroon and Angola. During the flight, he was asked about the Catholic Church’s stance on AIDS in Africa.

Pope Benedict gave a lengthy response, detailing many of the Church’s humanitarian efforts to help people with AIDS in Africa.

“I would say that this problem of AIDS cannot be overcome merely with money, necessary though it is. If there is no human dimension, if Africans do not help [by responsible behavior], the problem cannot be overcome by the distribution of prophylactics: on the contrary, they increase it.”

That’s right – condoms help spread AIDS, says the leader of the Catholic Church.

Obviously, this stance from the head of the Catholic Church has been met with unprecedented levels of condemnation – most recently by Harry Knox, who serves on President Barack Obama’s Advisory Council on Faith-Based and Neighborhood Partnerships. On Tuesday of last week Knox reiterated his stance that Pope Benedict XVI is “hurting people in the name of Jesus.”

“The Pope’s statement that condoms don’t help control the spread of HIV, but rather condoms increase infection rates, is hurting people in the name of Jesus.

On a continent where millions of people are infected with HIV, it is morally reprehensible to spread such blatant falsehoods. The Pope’s rejection of scientifically proven prevention methods is forcing Catholics in Africa to choose between their faith and the health of their entire community. Jesus was about helping the marginalized and downtrodden, not harming them further.”

Condemning the third world to an AIDS epidemic isn’t the only blotch on the past record of il Papa. In May 2001, Ratzinger issued an order ensuring church investigations into child abuse by members of the clergy would be conducted in private. The letter from the then-Cardinal stated that the church has jurisdiction in cases where abuse has been ‘perpetrated with a minor by a cleric’, and stressed a policy of ‘strictest’ secrecy in dealing with allegations of sexual abuse, threatening those who speak out with excommunication.

The order also calls for the victim to take an oath of secrecy at the time of making a complaint to Church officials.

The victim.

Just to be completely clear, the current Pope specified that an abused child must take an oath of secrecy, lasting until 10 years after the child turns 18. Breach of that secrecy is met with excommunication.

Although condoms will not cure the disease, the evidence shows that their use will dramatically reduce its spread.  This made it all the more appalling when the Vatican rejected the use of condoms to prevent the spread of HIV/AIDS, on the grounds that they believe their imaginary friend doesn’t like them.

With this in mind our resident physicist, Mik, has asked: Should the Pope be taken to the Hague and tried for genocide?  Is the Vatican directly responsible for every HIV infection brought about by its rejection of condoms?  Could the effects of the Pope’s rejection of the use of condoms be reasonably characterised as genocide?

*2005 figures