Seventies rocker Gary Glitter yesterday spoke out against the ‘petty gossip’ surrounding his convictions for child molestation, while announcing his surprise conversion to Catholicism.

Speaking at a lavish baptism ceremony, the paedophile singer decried the idle chitchat regarding his many proven offences against children from the UK, Cambodia and Vietnam.

“It saddens me that my critics feel the need to tarnish my name with this petty, entirely-accurate and demonstrably-true gossip regarding my repeated crimes against children.”

“Just because something terrible definitely happened, doesn’t give you the right to go on and on about it all the bloody time.”

Conversion

The announcement of Glitter’s new-found devotion to the Pope and all things ‘Catholic’ may come as something of a surprise to his legions of fans.

Having already been found guilty of abusing minors, a religious conversion appears to make almost no sense at all to those who have followed his career.

But, as the singer explains, the more he read about the modern Catholic Church, the more he knew it was the one for him.

Glitter explained to waiting reporters, “I’ve never really been a religious man, because I’ve never before felt that religion really gets my way of life and who I am.”

“But now, I realise what I’ve been missing: the peace, the love, and – above all – the no-questions-asked protection the Catholic Church can offer.”

Glitter, who sought refuge in Asia following discovery of his extensive child pornography collection in 1999, also took time out from the baptism ceremony to formally confirm details of an upcoming comeback tour.

“Having been off the tour circuit for a while, a comeback is long overdue. I’m thinking Germany, Ireland, Austria, Italy, Malta and the US before ending with a spectacular finale in Vatican City.”

“From what I’ve read, I think I’ll be welcomed with open arms, not least by the leaders of my new faith. Pope Benedict – I definitely want to be in YOUR gang,” concluded Glitter.

This article also appears on the excellent satirical news source NewsArse.