The “I Believe in…” series that is currently playing out on BBC Three at the audience-friendly time of ‘midnight-ish’ is, by far, the most incredulous, poorly thought-out, nonsense-laden idiot-fest seen on British TV since, well…  *cough* erm…  Jeremy Kyle is on every day…  and The Wright Stuff…  and then there’s almost all of Channel 5’s output…  Satellite channels…  (has anyone ever watched anything of Conspiracy TV?  *giggles*)

OK, so there’s stiff competition out there in the time-rich and thought-poor facets of British media, and anything that comes with short sentences, a couple of nice locations and a pretty face or two is likely to get up there on the box at some point, no matter how inane the subject material, or how utterly bonkers the take on said substrate may be.  This is where Danny Dyer, Jodie Kidd and “I Believe in…” come in.

Danny Dyer’s effort, “I Believe in UFO’s”, deserves its own lengthy analysis, but I’ll just relay one little element that really made me chuckle…  Loveable, credulous, silly old Danny has just been out in a crop field with a ‘Crop Circle Expert’, who is in fact just some random dude with a VW campervan and an IQ problem, calmly explaining how crop circles must be produced by aliens, because the ‘knees’ of the stalks on the crops can only be bent over in this way by high temperatures of some sort, and thus ‘steam’ in the joint and…  WHOOM…  down go the grasses into this week’s pattern picked out of ‘Flying Saucer Crop Patterns Lightyearly’ (WHSmith will get it in if you ask nicely, have two green heads and 6 limbs (but don’t tell Danny!)) by our Alien UberSturmFuhrer on duty to watch over us puny Earthlings and molest cattle on that particular night.  Our hero, swollen with ‘knowledge’, goes into the local pub to meet some thoroughly delightful chaps at the pool table – very casual.  These delightful chaps then go on to tell him that it’s all a load of bollocks.  It’s them!  They go into the crop circles at night, mob-handed, and proceed to inflict criminal damage on a lot of innocent arable crops and the brains of gullible, half-witted townies…  without actually admitting it of course – the local constabulary might be watching.  Cue Danny’s almost weepy lament pouring out of his drizzle-stricken grid.  For everything else there may well be credit cards, but these moments which warm the heart…  Priceless.

Now that Danny’s eventually alien-broken heart has been served up for starters, we can move on to the main event:  The intellectual heavyweight champion of her navel, the cokestess with the mostess, the leanest, skeletelest, the South-East belt-holder for “least able to ponder” at atom-weight for the last 12 years running and now, dear and gentle readers, the southern-spoken swinger for all things supernatural…  Ms Jodie Kidd.

Jodie – it is ok if I call you Jodie, isn’t it Jodie? Thanks, Jodie.  You’re a star. (D-List, natch.  You do crap like this) – believes in miracle healing.  She believes that the material universe isn’t the only thing that exists and that we can be in touch with a secret part of the cosmos that scientists, doctors and the NHS clearly don’t want us to know about…  She knows this, because she was definitely, definitely, definitely healed by crystals.

So you got that, right?  ‘Healers’ tell us that ‘bad stuff’ (I’m not sure, but I think that’s the technical term.  It might be worth checking with your local ‘Nonsense Dealer’, err, sorry, ‘Healer’.  Right…) comes pouring out of our mobile phones and computers.  Crystals can help us by tuning into the electromagnetic charge frequencies of our bodies and rebalancing them.

What?  You don’t believe me/Jodie?

She’s got a NASA Scientist to explain it all.  Honest!

This Bear Walker dude, and he says everything is based on frequencies.

NASA.

HE MUST be right, AMIRITE?

Funny, though…  Bear doesn’t mention anything about his NASA credentials on his website, but other places talk lots about all the lovely energy, breathwork, healing, hypnotherapy and Ancient Native American Wisdom that Bear can teach us all.  I’m sure his uber-science NASA credentials are out there somewhere.  In space?  Maybe he lost them out there.  While he was with NASA, training them about how we can use crystals to rebalance our electric charge frequencies. That’ll be it I’m sure.

So, Jodie’s there giving us the skinny on her terrible trouble with anxiety and panic attacks, which are very serious conditions that I most certainly won’t have anything said against.  No, I won’t immediately go on to mention her relationship with cocaine, either.  That would be like drawing a parallel, making a direct relationship between one and the other…  and I wouldn’t want to do that.  Cocaine doesn’t, in any way, make you feel anxious and lead to panic attacks.

I’m sure Jodie’s right though…  It’s a deep psychological problem based on her relationship to the universe and the ‘bad stuff’ from her ‘Dealer’ that comes via her mobile phone or computer.

I’m not sure I jotted that down right…  Hang on…

…

Yeah.  Bang on.  Except for those who don’t follow the link, then YES.  LENGTHY COCAINE MISUSE CAN LEAD TO PARANOIA, ANXIETY AND PANIC ATTACKS.

Jodie then goes around her house showing us how many crystals of different types she has all around her home, and telling us all about how utterly terrible her life would be without both them, and her trips to the mystic lights and crystal-milking machine on Harley St. that she probably sneezes out – better than coughs up in the circumstances – 500 quid’s worth a go for.  If you haven’t watched the crystals bit yet, then…  GO WATCH IT.

Ok, this is 1000 words, and we’re already beyond coffee-and-a-biscuit length for the average reader, so I’ll stretch this out to another post later in the week.  It’s worth it.  There are Shamans, Faith Healers, Mystic Biologists, Magic Love-Horses, Autism, More Energies, The Big C and even a cameo from Chris French!  But this is enough nonsense for you to digest in one go…

And remember!  Stay clear of the ‘bad stuff’ that you can get via your mobile phone and computer.  Listen to your ‘D/Healer’ at all times.

Be crystalline, and stay frosty out there.

(At least in the morning…  Brrrr….)