But the thing that makes it sing (I like that rhyme) is the apps, or applications for long.  Yes, there is a whole world of people out there who have quickly and brilliantly devised handy tools that you can download and which reside on your iPhone.  Just waiting for that perfect conjunction of need and opportunity to arise.  Then they spring, gazelle-like, into action with just the lightest press of your finger on the screen, bringing almost immediate gratification and a rush of happiness.  “What is my bank balance just now?”; “How much would the payments work out to on that car with £1000 deposit?”; “What time is the next train to Liverpool from where I am right now?”; for that matter “Where am I right now?”.

How about “What type of water should I use to cure a cold?”

Sorry? What was that?  Was it a little bit of bollocks lurking among the long grass?  Well yes it was.  Welcome to the world of iHomeopath by Dr Luc De Schepper.

All I have to do is type in “Cold”. If I ignore the first symptom that comes up that Homeopathy can cure, which is “COLD drinks: Feel worse from” (for which the cure is invisible arsenic or phosphorous, more of which is written in part 5 of the book it seems), I have no less than 15 different types of cold symptoms to choose from before the alphabetical list moves onto constipation.  (I can’t help but think that Luc ought to look there because he seems to be clogged up himself).

In the order they appear:

Well I feel better now that the cure for the common cold is out there.  Oh, did I say “Cure”?  My apologies.  These are “remedies”, or “preparations”.

Hang on. Surely there’s something more specific to describe what they are.  Let’s have a look around.

Whoooooaaaaa there, Neddy.  What’s this?  A medical disclaimer?  Hmmm best read it.

The information on (sic) this application is presented for informational purposes only.  All therapies, treatments, exercises or energetic interventions of any nature should be undertaken only under the direct guidance and care of a properly and fully trained health care professional specializing in the services rendered.  Nothing in this application should be construed by any reader, user or other person to be a diagnosis or treatment for any disease or condition.  Aerende, Inc, LLC and Dr Lucien De Schepper will not accept any responsibility for any ill effects resulting from the use or misuse of the information contained in this application.  Any use or misuse of the information presented here for educational and entertainment purposes are the sole responsibility of the end user

A search for “homeopath” in the Apps store reveals ten applications, two of which are free and the rest are between £0.59 and £4.99.

A search for “acupuncture” reveals thirteen apps, all of which are paid for and one of which is a staggering £11.99.  There is one that you can use by browsing to the appropriate diagnosis, then it tells you the acupuncture point, then… wait for it… you press the corner of the phone to that point and… yes, you guessed it, the iPhone vibrates stimulating the thingy!

Press as hard as is comfortable

Ha ha ha.  I’m holding my sizeable stomach while laughing my F%$£&*G A£$E off.

Other Woo Apps:

• Reflexology: 5
• Chakra: 49
• Guardian angel: 3
• Astrology: 75+ (couldn’t be bothered counting any further)

And so on.  You get the idea.  You couldn’t make it up!

I’m going to complain about Dr Luc and the way this App is presented.  You could do the same if you like!