Definitely JC

Here’s a classic staple skeptical game for you – ‘Where’s Jesus this week?‘ People with relatively good memories for this type of inane nonsense – and I assume at least 80% of you readers could well be in that category – may be aware of the fact that the Messiah has been popping up in some pretty unusual places of late. We all remember the classic cheese toastie, but who remembers where he was in 2006? Besides, you know, in the innocent laughter of every child, obviously.

That’s right – a terrier’s arse. The terrier, Angus, played host the the pareidolia-tastic depiction of the deity on his rump 4 years ago, but, it seems, being at the arse-end of a mutt wasn’t all it cracked up to be for our Lord and Saviour, and he’s recently been doing a tour of the kind of locations the Pope can expect to appear at if the UK government decide to withdraw the £100million his visit is purported to cost us. That’s £100million, or 10 years of state-funded homeopathy, if you like to think of it that way. (In other news, the government just cut a scheme which would help pay for the refurbishment of rundown schools in deprived areas. Just sayin’).

So, having put his days as a terrier’s anus well and truly, well, behind him, I’m sure you won’t be surprised to hear he’s moving up in the world – having been spotted adorning the drainpipe of Coventry couple Alex and Nick Cotton. No, not THE Nick Cotton, aka Nasty Nick Cotton from Eastenders. Although Jesus did like to hang around the worst of us, and from what I remember Nasty Nick was among the worst actors I’ve ever seen. But no, this Nick Cotton lives in Coventry, which might go some way towards explaining why he was in need of a visit from the Son of God. I hear Coventry’s pretty boring, the last thing of note to happen there being a bombing raid from the Lufftewaffe.

As the Coventry Telegtaph reports:

Alex Cotton and her partner, were with a few friends at their home in Heartland Avenue after getting back from watching a football match when they spotted the Messiah’s image.

Alex’s friend Graham Morriss said: “We were just sitting around, having a good old chinwag at about 10pm and suddenly Alex’s partner Nick said ‘there’s Jesus on the drainpipe’.

“No one believed her and we all started crouching down around the drainpipe and having a look. I got quite excited anyway.

“We’re all quite amazed about it really, although Alex says he’s been there for quite some time. We were just chewing the fat a bit, as you do, and then the Messiah turned up.”

As, indeed, you do.

The Coventry Telegraph also goes on to report other sightings of Jesus, including the aforementioned terrier, the time when Jesus appeared in a bacon-filled frying pan in what has to be one of the lamest acts of fakery ever, and – as the paper reports – that nicely specific time when Jesus was spotted ‘on a banana, near Sydney’. They give you the fruit and the vague sense of geographic location, what more do you want?

Bacon Jesus

The frying pan one has to be my favourite – apparently toby Elles, a 22-year old wanker… sorry, banker… fell asleep while cooking a late night bacon sandwich, and when he awoke the house was filled with smoke. Showing the kind of foolhardy bravery from a banker that got this country into the mess it’s in in the first place, Toby rushed in the kitchen to… turn off the hob. High drama indeed. What was left in the pan shocked and amazed him, he claims, as it so stunningly resembled Jesus.

Nobody seems to have thought to comment on the insensitivity of using bacon to depict history’s most famous Jew, of course, so I’ll scoot on. Toby said of his pan of God:

I’m not going to scrub it clean though, just in case I get struck by lightning, it’s going to take pride of place on a wall instead,’ he said. It’s become quite a talking point for people who come round to the house .

Presumably the topic of conversation being, “Why have you so blatantly drawn a picture of Jesus on that old frying pan, Toby?”

Yes, Tommy Cooper, in a Steak Pie. What of it?

Over the years we’re seen God in a toilet door, the virgin Mary on wet windows and jesus burnt into a cheese sandwich. Not to mention Mother Teresa the croissant, and all manner of other religious figures mystically coming through in a variety of unusual places, which is definitely down to the fact that God exists.

However, it’s not just the religious that get to come back from the grave to haunt our furniture, foodstuffs and everyday lives – a few months ago we covered on the show an image of the late Michael Jackson which had appeared in an ultrasound, so it seems of late it’s becoming easier to pass through the mystical doorway and re-enter this world, albeit confined to poor-quality images on mundane objects.

Which is why it should come as absolutely no surprise to anyone to see this amazing, wondrous, blessed meat pie, complete with image of 70s comedy legend Tommy Cooper.

Yeah, Tommy Cooper. And yes, a meat pie.

What’s more, miraculously and in no way suspiciously, the pastry effigy was found in the village of Trethomas – just a couple of miles from Cooper’s hometown of Caerphilly. Which proves it’s definitely genuine. Honest. I mean, it even featured in the Daily Mail…

Chip shop owner Crad Jones discovered the image when eating his pie and chips in his shop in Caerphilly, South Wales, which was Cooper’s home town.

Mr Jones, 45, said he called the manufacturers, Peter’s Pies, when he noticed the silhouette so they could document his find.

Of course, it’s in no way suspicious that the manufacturer of the pie gets a nice big mention right there at the start of the story. This pie coincidentally had a photo of Tommy Cooper in it – of course the first thing you’re gonna want to know is which company the late funnyman chose to bless with his image.

Mr Jones said: ‘I was about to eat my lunch in the shop, as I normally do. I got my Peter’s pie, which I always have with chips and peas, and noticed the resemblance of Tommy Cooper on the bottom of it. The comparison was amazing. It was definitely Tommy Cooper.

Again, it’s in no way suspicious that Mr Jones referred to it as a ‘Peter’s pie’, I mean we all always cite the name of the pie company when we talk about what pie we’re eating. And we all look at the bottom of the pie before we tuck in, just in case there’s a mystical image of a deceased 70s funnyman there.

The story, quite rightly, got picked up by all manner of news sources, with the Metro, the Daily Mail, and other news sources using almost identical wording throughout their whole articles, which might sound suspiciously like the hand of PR but in fact makes perfect sense, because once one newspaper has gotten the details of this completely true story totally correct why bother writing it in your own words for other papers?

Chad Jones, Tommy Cooper, Meaningless PR-Piece.

The story also got picked up in The Telegraph, which also dutifully and in no way suspiciously happened to mention the name of the chip shop Crad Jones runs:

Mr Jones owns The Codfather’s Plaice in Trethomas, Caerphilly, where Tommy was born in 1921.

But that makes complete sense because if he’s been blessed enough to make this miracle discovery, then his business deserves the extra public recognition a mention in a national newspaper attached to a weird and suspiciously-PR-like story would give him. What’s more, the following suspiciously-PR-heavy sentence from the Telegraph is, again, in no way unusual for a national newspaper puporting to be telling genuine news:

Fun-loving Mr Jones saw the funny side of Cooper in the £1.60 premier steak pie made by local baker’s Peters Pies.He said: “Tommy has always been in the upper crust as far as I’m concerned. “But I ate the pie straight after the pictures were taken. It went down a treat – just like that!”

Newspapers often run prices of pastries from prominent bakers amongst their re-telling of the day’s events – again, this isn’t blatantly PR at all.

The story was also picked up by local news too, with Walesonline.co.uk noting:

Staff at the PR company who distributed the picture were quick to deny yesterday that the image of Cooper on the pie was an elaborate publicity stunt.

Ah, it was distributed by a PR company. And featured in a range of credulous newspapers with near-identical wording. And featured very prominently the names of two businesses, one of which is a national chain. And even included a price guide for the national chain’s goods. And the photo is completely and utterly unconvincing, as if someone has just burned the vague shape of Tommy Cooper onto the bottom of the pie and thought ‘fuck it, I won’t bother trying to fuzz out these too-straight edges that look a lot like a stencilled or branded image, because people are stupid enough to buy this as a real news item’.

This MIGHT be PR. Hmm.