This grey fella sure has his health problems

This week I want to take you both to the seaside, to take a look at something listener submitted, Blackpool-based, and textbook-woo. So, with a tip of the hat to Hoopy1888 on Twitter, I present to you – Magnetic Zone, and their Magnetic Health Bracelet.

Now, confusing as the name might seem, this isn’t a bracelet you wrap around magnets to help them stay healthy – this isn’t about the health of your magnets at all. Instead, this is about trying to use magnets to make YOU healthy. Confusing, I know, but stick with me, and I’ll talk you through the leaflet that our listener sent to my via the magic of twitpic. The leaflet – which is available on the MSS site and linked from the show notes – starts promisingly, with the printed name ‘Magnetic Zone’ hastily surrounded by scrawled writing either side of it, to read ‘www.magneticzone.co.uk’. Which is always nicely professional – especially when you visit the site, and find nothing but a black holding page with garish yellow text giving you an email address to contact, and nothing else. I know that’s how I like to get MY health advice.

Still, as the leaflet declares, these products promise that they ‘Change your health for the better’ – which is an amazing claim, presumably in oppostion to all of those bracelets that seek to change your health for the worse. Handcuffs, I suppose you’d call them.

So, what can these mystery bracelets do for you? Well, despite not yet saying anything about them – again, another sure sign that we’re dealing with a genuine health product here – the leaflet gives us a charming grey silhouette of a man with little lines coming off to list the ailments he can be relieved of via the use of Magnetic Health Bracelets (promotional price from £10, the handwritten scrawl appears to inform us). Here’s that list:

• Unexplained tiredness
• Insomnia (erm, so tiredness again, sort of. Good)
• Migraine headaches
• Stress, nervousness & anxiety
• Frozen shoulder
• Neck pains
• Respiration problems
• Tachycardia
• Tennis Elbow
• Muscular pains
• Obesity - in which the arrow fantastically points to the grey man’s stomach. Excellent.
• Back Pains
• High Cholesterol
• Wrist pains
• Digestive problems
• Sciatica
• Arthritis
• Poor circulation
• Painful periods (bear in mind, the diagram is clearly of a man. Which suggests to me that any periods would indeed be particularly painful)
• Knee pains
• Rheumatism
• Joint pains
• Varicose veins
• Phlebitis
• Gout
• Ankle pains

Quite a revolutionary device then, I’m sure you’ll agree. So, with your ears still ringing from all of these amazing benefits, you might be wondering – how the hell does this magic device work, and more to the point, where can I get one? Well hold your horses, I’m getting there. As the leaflet tells us:

• It’s safe
• It’s natural
• It’s drug free

How does it work?! Erm, it doesn't.

These are the only 3 true things I think I’ve found on this whole leaflet. That said, I’ve not checked the phone number works, so there might be a 4th. Yes, it’s safe – it’s a magnet. It might well be natural – again, it’s a magnet. And drug free? Yep again – magnet. However, and vitally missing from the list there, it’s worth noting – it doesn’t work, is not effective, and is a waste of your time and money. Looking at the blurb about why it’s meant to work, you see why:

How Does It Work?

Magnetic therapy is based on the biological effect of magnetic fields on the living organism.

The biological effect of magnetic fields on the living organism, by which they mean – no effect at all. That said, extremely high levels of magnetic fields applied directly to the brain have exhibited effects, but we’re talking about high-powered electro-magnets there – not wrist-held natural magnets, which are often barely strong enough to stick to a fridge, let alone right your wrongs.

Many illness and ailments are caused by electrical imbalance within the body.

No, they’re not.

When magnets are worn close to the pulse they react to the 4% iron content within the blood, triggering tiny electrical impulses similar to the body’s own natural repair signals.

No they don’t, for the very simple reason that the 4% iron content within the blood is non ferromagnetic, which means they’re not attracted to the magnet. We know this, because when somebody undergoes an FMRI – a functional magnetic resonance imaging scan – the 4% iron of their blood is not torn from their veins and arteries and fired onto the incredibly high-powered magnet. What’s more, even if the iron in the blood were attracted to the magnet, it wouldn’t trigger electrical impulses – it would trigger mild magnetic conductivity, if the magnet was even strong enough to penetrate the skin, which the inverse square law almost certainly dictates it wouldn’t be. Further, even if the magnets were somehow weirdly triggering electrical impulses, there’s no way these could be similar to the body’s own natural repair signals, whatever that even means. Finally, I’m not even sure the blood is even 4% iron – so they might well have just pulled that out of their arses to sound knowledgeable. In summary – that sentence of around 30 words, is wrong in almost as many ways.

This magnetism also attracts blood directly to painful areas within the body, thus carrying away damaged and toxic materials which cause pain.

Again, no – blood isn’t magnetically attracted anywhere. And if it were, it would be dangerous – your blood is a circulatory system, thus it needs to circulate. Using weird magnetic forces (which we know blood isn’t attracted to) to draw it to one place would presumably result in it staying there – and that’s a bad thing. As for the ‘damaged and toxic materials’, this makes no sense, especially given that toxicity is a) bullshit and b) nothing to do with any of the aforementioned ailments, not least Tachycardia, Tennis Elbow and Frozen Shoulder. Finally – again, it’s a circulatory system, so stuff just moves around – so where’s the blood taking all of those supposedly baddifying toxins too? Presumably just somewhere else in the body, somewhere that doesn’t have a magic magnet to save it! So, wrong in so many areas, again.

The electrical impulses will also autonomously stimulate the production of the body’s natural painkiller, endorphine, which not only relieves pain but relaxes the body’s stimuli, thus negating the effects of stress, migraine and other pressure induced ailments.

Kudos for random use of autonomous there – completely meaningless, naturally. And while it’s true that endorphin is indeed the natural painkiller, it doesn’t relax the body’s stimuli, because this appears to be something again entirely made up by Magnetic Zone, and I can’t fathom what it means. Stimuli is something your sense are perceiving, something you’re reacting to. So internal chemicals can’t affect external stimuli. What’s more, last I checked, stress and migraines were not pressure induced ailments. Unless they mean emotional pressure, presumably the emotional pressure of figuring out how to use an internal chemical to relax external stimuli.

Even if you’re not in obvious pain, magnetisim is proven to multiply the white cells in our blood, which is a cruial part of the body’s defence system, hence helping to fight off viral illness and building immunity against colds, influenza and other air borne infections.

Again – nope. They use the word ‘proven’ to mean ‘we just made up that’, and of course magnets have absolutely no effect on white cells in the blood. Or red cells. Or in fact any other cells you have in your blood, unless those cells are inexplicably made of metal. The immunity against various and sunder illnesses is of course therefore meaningless handwavery too.
The magnet magicians then go on to claim

All our bracelets are made of the finest materials and are protected by a unique process called MICRON COATING

Which is indeed a unique claim, given that a micron is a unit of measurement also called the Micrometre, which is one millionth of a metre. With that in mind, to see just how barmy the claim of the unique ‘micron coating’ process is, replace micron with a different unit of measurement – maybe it’s a ‘unique process called centimetre coating’ or ‘hectare coating’. It’s drivel coated in – presumably a micron – of technical language to try and sound medical.

Still, good skepticism isn’t about just accepting what people give you, the rhetoric of skepticism, so don’t let me put you off – if you still want a Magnetic Health Bracelet, Magnetic Zone are available at www.magneticzone.co.uk or you can buy direct from the leaflet, whose handwritten scrawl informs us that you can mail order by calling 07859 069 631 Thats 07859 069 631. They do assure you that they do not charge any postage or packing fee, but given the level of accuracy from the rest of the leaflet I wouldn’t be totally confident that that was true. Or, indeed, that you’d ever see your magic bracelet or indeed your money again if you did decide to buy one.

PS: For anyone who thought the title was needlessly sweary, I refer you to this meme.

Oh, I should have mentioned, Robin Alexis is described as ‘psychic Robin Alexis’. So, ‘psychic seeks privacy, says local paper’? Accompanied by a charming full photo of said privacy-seeking psychic? Ho hum, I’ll carry on…

“She’s found it a welcoming place, where she can develop a variety of ventures: her Mystic Radio program, her Web portal to psychic readings and her online Soul Spa, all at www.robinalexis.com.”

Again, to reiterate – seeking privacy here, the privacy to discreetly go about her radio program, web portal and soul spa. Ho hum ho hum.

Apparently, as the paper tells us:

“Alexis describes herself as more than a psychic; she’s also a spirit medium and “metaphysical mother” who is now in the midst of an extraordinary three-way conversation”

Quite what a metaphysical mother is, I’ve no idea. Surely it’s a mother who isn’t actually there, or is there but on another plane? Like a meta-mum?

Still, this privacy-seeking, self-professed meta-mum with a burgeoning-yet-discreet media empire to non-promote has a terrible burden – she, discreetly and in no way publicly, despite being in the paper about it, claims to have been communicating for ‘many moons now’ with… Michael Jackson.

Just to be clear, that’s deceased king of pop Michael Jackson, not the former Tranmere Rovers and Blackpool defender Michael Jackson, nor Canadian actor Michael Jackson, best known for his role as Trevor on Trailer Park Boys, nor even the soldier Michael Jackson from Massachusetts, wounded at Bunker Hill during the American Revolution (though admittedly one of those would still be impressive, not least because the Tranmere defender’s been notoriously reclusive since his retirement at the end of the season). No, she’s been talking – she non-publicity-seekingly claims – to the deceased former most famous man on the planet, Michael Jackson. Ho hum ho hum ho hum. Also, as a couple of footnotes – I’ve got to thank Wikipedia disambiguation for a few Michael Jacksons there, and I’ve also been listening to way too much Andy Saltzman on the Bugle podcast lately. Back to the psychic.

As the paper tells us:

“Alexis believes she has been communicating, for many moons now, with the late King of Pop. As in Michael Jackson. Like if he was on TV”

Quick quibble – communicating with him like as if he was on TV: not really all that impressive. TV is a one-way medium, after all. Like all spirit mediums, in that respect – they give out a signal, but there’s no way for anyone to get a signal back to them. Still, that’s splitting hairs – I promised you a left turn. I’ll let Alexis take up the story:

“I started seeing him in my third eye,” she said, “It was like he was on television, only “right here,” she added, tapping her forehead. “He started telling me right away: ‘I want to come back.’”

Are you ready for it?

Then, Alexis said, she received a phone call from an Olympic Peninsula woman — whom she said she’d never met — requesting a one-on-one psychic consultation.

Their conversation got under way, but Alexis had to tell her: “OK, this is completely weird, but I keep feeling Michael coming through,” trying to communicate.

The woman told her she already knew Jackson wanted to return to Earth, Alexis recalled; her husband knew about it, too, and both had agreed to bring a reincarnated Jackson back.

The woman isn’t pregnant yet, Alexis said. But she and her husband are preparing to be parents.

That’s right – not content with merely contacting the king of pop – this privacy-seeking psychic wants to bring the man back. Discreetly. And in no way publicly. I’ve ran out of ho hums.

You might imagine she’s had a LOT of people call bullshit on her in the past (as, incidentally, I am right now – because it is bullshit. Massively so). However, she has a tried and tested response to those doubting naysayers:

“..if one refuses to consider that her story is possible, then she says — “very respectfully” — something to the effect of “You do your thing, and I’ll do mine.”

She’d rather others would explore for themselves such phenomena.

“What I say to people is: Know, trust and act upon your own knowing.”

That’s right – if you know for near cast-iron certainty that it’s unlikely beyond comprehension that a) she’s talking to a dead Michael Jackson, b) she’s able to bring him back, and c) she can somehow magically inseminate him into the womb of a total stranger – then you go your way, and she’ll go hers, and you can both confusingly ‘act upon your own knowing’.

While she plans to continue counseling the couple, serving as the metaphysical mother who helps them get ready to bring a soul back into the world, she also hopes the mother- and father-to-be will connect with the Jackson family and with Jackson’s closest friends.

See – now THAT’S where the metaphysical mother fits in, I suppose.

The couple – a white woman and a black man, the article randomly pains to point out – are not paying her anything.

“These people don’t have any money,” she added.

Well that’s very noble of her, and very un-publicity-seeking… oh wait, sorry, there’s a bit more here, what’s this say?

Alexis, however, said she’s working with a documentary film producer on obtaining financing for a movie to tell the Michael Jackson story, including this new chapter.

She said the film, if made, will be titled “This Is Not It,” in counterpoint to the documentary about Jackson’s preparation for his final concerts, “This Is It.”

Again, just to recap for those at the back – this psychic moved away from LA to avoid all the publicity, now she’s ushering in the rebirth of Michael Jackson in order to add it to the filming of a documentary she’s working on as part of her media empire.

Meanwhile, Alexis and her husband, Bob Bordonaro, are developing the Soul Spa website along with Mystic Radio, a program airing on KKNW-AM 1150 in Seattle and available at www.robinalexis.com.

She hopes for national syndication of the show, and for expansion of her 100 registered members of her Web programming.

She also plays a metaphysical mother on TV, on the cable series, “The Real L Word,” about lesbian relationships. The show is on at 10 p.m. Sundays on Showtime.

Alexis’ book, Raising Humanity, available on her website, teaches soulful parenting: remembering to share joy with your child each day, visualizing the family life you want instead of dwelling on what you don’t want.

Again, this is all publicity-avoiding, of course…

Still, having 70s glam rockers with chipmunk names yelling patronising insults at children isn’t the stupidest method employed in an attempt to promote road safety, given that reports from Austria this week suggested that druids have been working with local road safety authorities in an attempt to mitigate the dangers of accident blackspots.

As the Metro explains:

“Austrian authorities say druids have been so successful in dealing with motorway accident blackspots in one area that they plan to extend the project nationwide.  As well as using quartz standing stones to restore the area’s ‘natural energy’, the druids have come up with a cheaper modern-day option – burying plastic slates with magnets in the ground.

Arch druid Ilmar Tessmann was called in as a last resort after a high number of fatal accidents were reported on a straight stretch of motorway near Salzburg.  He said the crashes were caused by radiation from a nearby mobile phone mast disrupting the area’s normal ‘terrestrial’ radiation.  Installing the monoliths has successfully counteracted that, he claimed.”

The Metro reports that the rate of accidents has decreased from 6 per year, to zero in the 2 years since the druids have been applying their magic. Scientists, surprisingly enough, are somewhat skeptical, with a range of questions springing to mind. Namely:

• Where is the proof that electro-magnetic radiation affects car accident rates? What frequency of signal is responsible – is it a narrow band, or a wide band. If the latter, why aren’t radio signals, and even light, equally at fault?
• Why do disruptions in terrestrial radiation cause accidents?
• What do the magnets do? And the plastic, in fact?
• How can it be shown that it was the intervention of the druids which was responsible for lowering accident rates? Given that a reduction of 6 crashes per year down to 0 could well be explained by more mundane events – natural statistical variation, changes to the conditions before that stretch of road, etc.

Still, the Metro doesn’t offer any of these questions, naturally. In fact, what it does offer is a picture of the druid, all bearded and in a woolen cloak, squatting with a dowsing rod, captioned “Druid Ilmar Tessmann tunes into the energy waves and apparently helps to reduce the number of fatalities at an accident blackspot“. Which is interesting, because the druid pictured isn’t actually Ilmar Tessman. I know, because I looked at Ilmar’s website, and he’s actually a reasonably elderly, non-bearded man. Who doesn’t appear to be squatting. And isn’t wearing a cloak. Or holding a bent coat-hanger. A bit of Metro fail, there, then.

While Tessman’s site is in German, which I don’t read at all, I was able to locate and pick out some of the test cases for roads he used his magic on. One such blackspot was a crossing on the B92 Görtschitz valley road in Carinthia.

• In 1994, there was an accident in which 2 people were seriously injured
• In 1995, 1 person was injured
• In 1996, the magic stones were added to the road, and in that year there were no human injuries, but a few accidents where deer got hurt.
• In 1997, there were no accidents
• In 1998, again there were no accidents.
• In 1999, there was an accident were someone was seriously hurt. However, as Tessman explains, this occurred because when he examined the magic stones he found they were covered in dust and soil, which had blocked their energy. Presumably mud can stop the radiation from mobile phone masts, or perhaps stop the magnetic force coming from the magnets in the stone or plastic. Obviously.

Now, of course, without being a fluent German speaker, it’s tough to get to the bottom of all of the stats Ilmar presents, and I’ve invited him onto the show to discuss his findings, language-barrier permitting of course. But, as has been said many times before, extraordinary claims require extraordinary proofs, and so far all I can really find are statistically-insignificant variances, plenty of special pleading, and some uncritical and sensationalist headlines.